Dear Cousin Cletus: A holiday letter about my superior family!

This is the time of year when many of us get holiday letters. They're usually a summary of your loved ones' magnificent travels, accomplishments and successes. Audiences with the pope, Super Bowl attendance, and the exploits of superstar children are the usual fare. For those of us struggling to survive in this icy economy, these reminders can be depressing and even annoying. The solution is simple: Reply with your own holiday letter showing what a good year is really like. Feel free to use this one as a model.

Dear Cousin Cletus,

This year has been especially good to our family. I hit on a novel moneymaking strategy, and it has paid big dividends — the lottery. To date, we've amassed over $294 million. Since we've always been drawn to the water, we took some of the money and bought a cruise ship. It's possible we'll have to reinforce our little boat ramp to handle the launch, but once it's in the lake, we'll have plenty of extra room for guests.

I've also discovered writing to be incredibly lucrative. My first book has been on the bestseller list so long, other authors are starting to complain. They want to be sure to time the release of their future books to avoid my literary gems.

Everyone else is having a banner year, too. Julie continues to do well in high school, and Harvard sent a personal emissary from the president who begged her to attend. When I mentioned concerns over recent catastrophic losses to the university endowment, he said he'd gladly pay for Julie to attend "out of his own pocket." And Barbara's business continues to thrive amid constant television appearances and recognition as Gardener of the Year. We weren't even aware she was nominated until the "prize patrol" for House and Garden showed up at our door.

Our furry friends are also a source of great pride. Our yellow Lab, Henry, has been taking cooking classes and has learned to speak French and Cantonese, as well as Labrador. That is a language, right? We're trying to convince him to take up English so we can understand him.

Zippie, our cat, has also impressed. He keeps track of his mouse and gecko kills on a dry erase board in the laundry room. When I last checked, it was well over 200.

I hope things are going well with you and yours.

Happy holidays!

Bill, Barbara and Julie

Bill Riddle is a freelance writer and blogger living in Odessa. He can be reached at hillsnews@sptimes.com.