Tom Cruise is taking his lumps this week, all going to prove the universe's one great truth: Ultimately, we all get what we truly deserve. For better or for worse.

But here's one star who maybe never got what he deserved: Steve Guttenberg, who turns 48 years old today. Now I know what you're thinking: Guttenberg got EXACTLY what he deserved -- a subpar film career followed by the scorn of film critics and finally total obscurity.

Can you believe he's actually making another Police Academy sequel? I'm not joking. What do you expect from someone whose career took off with his starring role in the Village People's "Can't Stop The Music."

Yes, you read that right. A Village People movie. What's really sad is that my parents once forked out $80 to buy the movie on VHS when it first came out. (They subsequently lost it, forcing me to rebuy it for them on DVD a few years ago at the value price of $9.99.) Click here to watch the video of Guttenberg rollerskating around in the beginning of the movie. You'll want to gouge out your eyes with a spoon. Just pray it doesn't give you a heart attack, because I can't imagine anything worse than having the visual of Guttenberg in short-shorts as I pass to the next dimension.

But Guttenberg gets a bad rap. If you read between the lines, he's quite the philosopher. Hence, my birthday present -- Stuck in the 80s style.

Everything I Need To Know In Life I Learned from a Steve Guttenberg Movie:

-- "If you want to talk, you always have the guys at the diner. You don't need a girl if you wanna talk." (Diner)

-- "Never fool with a fuzz ball." (Police Academy 2)

-- "I came, I tried, I got shot." (Bad Medicine)

-- "I hope you're not gonna to take your skin off! 'Cause I really like skin on a woman!" (Cocoon)

-- "You're a ghost, I'm an American. It would never work out." (High Spirits)

(OK, it seems I haven't learned much in life. Maybe I ought to stick to John Cusack and sci-fi movies for inspiration.)