Dear Ione,

Let me start by saying "Happy Birthday!" I'm a huge fan of your 80s movies -- especially Say Anything and The Rachel Papers. There simply is no other more seductively beautiful actress from my favorite decade. I own both movies on DVD, VHS and Laser Disc. (Who am I kidding? I own all your movies.) I know every one of your smiles and laughs by heart -- probably because I watch Say Anything before going to work each morning -- and the Rachel Papers each afternoon when I get home. (On special occasions, I reverse the order. And I like to save your 90s work -- Dream for an Insomniac and Gas Food Lodging -- for weekends and holidays.)

But I'm more than just a fan. I think I'm your destiny. I've taken the time to learn everything about you. For example, I know your last name "Skye" is really your legal middle name and it was given to you because you were conceived on the isle of Skye, Scotland. (Beautiful place. I go there every year as the honorary emcee of the annual Ione Skye Film Festival and McEwans Drinking Contest.)

At last week's festival, I unveiled my latest tribute to you. Steve's "Top 5 Lines Delivered in a Movie by Ione Skye." It received thunderous applause.

• 5. "I'd kick you in the b---s if you had any." (Gas Food Lodging)
• 4. "Never trust a man who doesn't have eyes like Sinatra." (Dreams for an Insomniac)
• 3. "I feel like someone dipped me in used cooking oil." (River's Edge)
• 2. "I love you. How many more times do I have to say it?" (Say Anything)
• 1. "Anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of your time." (Dreams for an Insomniac)

I know many others have courted you, but I think it's time to finally unite the ultimate 80s vixen with the ultimate 80s fan. What do you say? (Please answer quick before my wife wakes up and wonders what I'm typing.)

Yours truly,
"Stuck in the 80s"