Quick, somebody get a DNA test kit! Eddie Van Halen's son, Wolfgang, said he's relieved the band's tour was postponed because the 16-year-old isn't ready for the sex, drugs and rock n' roll trifecta of touring.

Wolfgang, who's dad is in rehab, told People magazine: "My dad's taking care of himself. I also think I'm too young for the experience, because I know there are a lot of bad things out there." (Yeah, we know. What's your point?)

Meanwhile, what's Mom up to? Valerie Bertinelli also went public this week (to People magazine - natch), saying she's going on a diet -- and she's taking Wolfie along with her (Jenny Craig to be exact).

This just isn't turning out to be Wolfie's year. First, your dad tells you that you're going to tour the nation with his legendary rock band. But before that happens, he lands in rehab and the tour is canceled. Then your mom calls you out as being overweight in a celebrity mag.

Dude, after this week, prom is going to seem like total heaven by comparison. Enjoy it.