How come every time Tom Cruise makes the news, everyone's immediate reaction is to wince and say something along the lines of ... "Oh, no, no, for the love of Joel Goodsen and all that's holy, NOOOOOO!"

Here goes: Tom Cruise is in talks with Hollywood studios to produce and star in a sequel to 1986's "Top Gun." (Somewhere, Val Kilmer just awoke suddenly in bed and screamed out in horror -- though that could be because he hasn't made a decent movie in 10 years.)

News is just leaking out on the Web that Cruise would reprise his role as "Lt. Pete 'Maverick' Mitchell," this time playing a flight instructor at the Navy's "Top Gun" school. But instead of tangling with Kelly "Charlie" McGillis, he must come to grips with a cocky female pilot.

Well, at least the plot sounds realistic. But if that pilot is played by Katie Holmes, I will seriously disavow the '80s and go tend sheep in the Greek isles ... and try to live out my "Summer Lovers" fetish.

If this remake must be made though...

TOP 5 PLOT POINTS FOR TOP GUN SEQUEL:

5. Miley Cyrus as the female pilot maybe? No, go with Mia Sara as the female pilot ... because she and Cruise worked SO well together 1985's "Legend." (OK, she's 40 years old, but she's also well-rested.)

4. Terri Nunn and Berlin are enlisted to offer up another classic song for the love theme. They pick "Sex," because the lyrics are very romantic. ("I'm a man. I'm a Geisha. I'm a little girl -- and we make love together!")   

3. In a cruel twist of much-needed irony, Nicole Kidman plays Maverick's soon-to-be ex-wife. ("Take me to bed ... or lose half your assets" becomes the new catchphrase.)

2. Meg Ryan, widow of the late, great "Goose," returns as the manager of the Navy base's bar/beach volleyball court. Motto: No shirt, no shoes, no problem.

1. Stunning revelation: The young pilot, with whom he is romantically attached, is actually his secret love-child with "Charlie."

You really are unsafe, Maverick!