Together, Stuck in the '80s co-host Sean Daly and I weigh a Thanksgiving Day combined 780 pounds, give or take a bag of Munchos or yesterday's "Sexy Suzy." You don't want to mess with us in a barfight. And yet, we aren't afraid to show off our sensitive sides. Or our silky skinned, hairless man-backs.

As Barry Manilow releases a tribute to the hits of our fave decade, we daydreamed about '80s stars turning the tables and covering Barry's greatest hits. Here's how we see it playing out.

MANDY - Phil Collins: No one knows bitter love better than the Philster.

COPACABANA (At the Copa), Culture Club: His name was Boy George, he was a showgirl...

WEEKEND IN NEW ENGLAND, Journey: When will Steve Perry's strong yearning end?

CAN'T SMILE WITHOUT YOU, the Smiths: This song is way too happy. Take it away, Morrissey.

I WRITE THE SONGS, George Michael: He makes the young girls cry. And cops. And Andrew Ridgeley.

LOOKS LIKE WE MADE IT, Air Supply: Uplifting lyrics, soaring vocals. Admit it, you thought this WAS an Air Supply song.

TRYIN' THE GET THAT FEELING AGAIN, Ozzy Osbourne: No punch line necessary.

DAYBREAK, the Cure: "Let it shine, shine, shine, all around the world!" After singing this perkfest, even gloom merchant Robert Smith would ride off on his unicorn into a rainbow sunset.

[Columbia photo]