Another Ferris scene: Ed Rooney's revenge
The clamor over the possibility of a Ferris Bueller sequel will never cease -- not so long as I'm on the job.
Screenwriter Rick Rapier (read Q&A) has agreed to release the text of another scene from his script. (Read the other scene online.) In this scene, Ed Rooney (played by the always brilliant Jeffrey Jones) shows up at the house of Jeanie Bueller (Jennifer Grey) and her husband Garth (the boy in the police station played by Charlie Sheen).
(By the way, related but unimportant note here: For the longest time, I used to privately nickname all my bosses "Rooney" -- my way of conceding their authority while mocking them at the same time. One night, after several beverages at a happy hour, I slipped up and started calling my boss "Rooney" to his face. Rather than being caught by surprise, my boss slipped right into character and replied: "I did not achieve this position in life by having some snot-nosed journalist leave my cheese out in the wind." I was floored.)
On with the scene:
EXT. JEANIE'S HOUSE, THE BACK DOOR - MOMENTS LATER
Ed Rooney skulks to the back door, pulls the revolver from inside his Member's Only jacket, looks for witnesses. He taps on the door glass with the gun barrel, then turns his back to the door. He's oh so clever...
INT. JEANIE'S HOUSE, THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Garth steps from the bathroom off the kitchen as the toilet finishes FLUSHING, nose in the Chicago Tribune.
GARTH: "Jeanie! I'm ready now!"
Outside there's a more insistent RAP on the back door glass.
Oblivious, Garth finally looks up to see a fair-haired man, his back to the door.
EXT. JEANIE'S HOUSE, THE BACK DOOR - CONTINUOUS
Garth opens the door and Rooney turns to face him, surprised at this development.
ED ROONEY: "What are you doing here?"
GARTH: "I live here. (a beat) Rooney --?"
ED ROONEY: (pushes him inside) "You're supposed to be at work."
GARTH: "This a joke?"
Rooney shoves the pistol under Garth's chin.
ED ROONEY: "Yes, and Ferris Bueller is about to be the punch line."
GARTH: "Uh, Ferris doesn't live here --"
INT. JEANIE'S HOUSE, THE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
Rooney pushes Garth over to the table.
ED ROONEY: "I know, you half-wit! Now sit down and be quiet."
Garth is far from flustered, but he sits down, thinking.
ED ROONEY: "Where's our little Jeanie Bueller?"
GARTH: "That's Jeanie Bueller-Volbeck --"
ED ROONEY: "I don't care what the little tramp calls herself! Where is she?"
GARTH: "Well, Ed, if you stop calling names, I just might tell you."
Ed rousts Garth at gunpoint and pushes him toward the living room.
ED ROONEY: "Move!"
GARTH: (calling out) "Babe, we have a visitor..."
Jeanie rounds the corner, meets Rooney's gun nose-to-barrel with crossed eyes.
JEANIE: "Oh, my God."
ED ROONEY: "No, but very close, my sweet. Have a seat."
(to Garth) "You, too, you delinquent."
As Rooney holds the gun on them, Jeanie and Garth take a seat at the table.
JEANIE: "Delinquent? For your information he's made something of himself, Ed, whereas you've just become some thing."
(to Garth) "You didn't take the gun from him?"
GARTH: "Honey, the kids need their father."
Exasperated but undaunted, she turns her venom on Ed.
JEANIE: "What's this all about, you old loser?"
ED ROONEY: "A little birthday gift for Ferris."
JEANIE: "Surprise. Ferris doesn't live here."
GARTH: "I tried to tell him --"
ED ROONEY: "Quiet!"
Ed pulls a roll of duct tape from inside his coat, tosses it to Jeanie.
ED ROONEY: "Let's just see what kind of knots the Girl Scouts taught you, eh, Jeanie?"
JEANIE: "This is duct tape."
ED ROONEY: "Never mind! Get to work!"
GARTH: "I've been telling her that for years, but does she listen? No. She thinks playing real estate with her mother is work."
JEANIE: "This is no time for your sarcasm, Garth."
She busies herself taping his hands.
GARTH: "Boy, you're really hopping to it, babe. Maybe I could learn a thing or two from ol' Ed..."
JEANIE: "You think this is funny!?"
She tears off a strip of tape and slaps it across his straight face.
JEANIE: "That funny enough?"
He just shakes his head like Whatever.
ED ROONEY: "Enough! Sit down."
She does, with crossed arms.
ED ROONEY: "The tape?"
She throws it at him and he fumbles it. She reaches for the pistol, but he reacts and dodges, more accident than reflex.
ED ROONEY: "Ah, ah, ah! I remember your moves all too well, missy. Hands behind your back."
Jeanie complies as he tapes her hands together, tapes her to the chair.
JEANIE: "You won't get away with this."
ED ROONEY: "The key to success is planning and brains."
JEANIE: "You won't get away with this..."
INT. JEANIE'S HOUSE, THE KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
A flummoxed Ed Rooney watches a news report on Jeanie's TV.
REPORTER: (on TV) "As you can see, Anne, mourners have poured into the streets of downtown in expression of their grief over the loss of beloved lifestyle guru Ferris Bueller."
ANNE (ON TV): "Thanks, Sue Lin... Again, though it has not been confirmed, it would appear that Ferris Bueller could not have survived such a fall. The beloved lifestyle guru would have been 40 today.
At the table, Jeanie and Garth are duct-taped to chairs."
JEANIE: "I told you he was dead."
Rooney has begun to shake.
ED ROONEY: (anguished) "How can this be?"
JEANIE: "You seem pretty broken up there, Ed."
Garth nods sympathetically.
Rooney gives a snarling glance.
ED ROONEY: "All of my plans! Ruined!"
JEANIE: "What's that they say about the best laid plans of mice and men? Squeak, squeak."
ED ROONEY: "Shut up!"
JEANIE: "What did you say to me!?"
ED ROONEY: "I need to think!"
JEANIE: "No point in starting now."
Garth gives Jeanie a head gesture to stop egging Rooney on. She doesn't get it. Garth mumbles behind the tape.
JEANIE: (whispered) "I can't understand a word you're saying."
Rooney clutches his head dramatically.
ED ROONEY: "Death? Where is thy sting? Oh, he's probably looking up at me now, laughing!"
JEANIE: "Ferris never looked up to you, Ed."
Rooney's eyes glaze at the painful irony of it all.