Beware of ... Saturday the 14th?
TODAY'S RETRO-REVIEW: Anybody can write about 1980's "Friday the 13th." Only a real 80s freak can attest to seeing the 1981 spoof flick Saturday the 14th, starring Richard Benjamin, Severn Darden and Jeffrey Tambor.
THE PLOT: In a house haunted by vampires, werewolves, ghosts and a book that when opened releases all the world's evil, the humanly inhabitants are truly spooked by ... owls?
MAYBE YOU REMEMBER: This is one of the first big-screen appearances for the always-entertaining Jeffrey Tambor (previously seen only on TV and in 1979's "And Justice For All.")
SURELY YOU CAN'T FORGET: Richard Benjamin co-stars in the movie, spoofing his own role in the highly superior 1979 film "Love at First Bite."
ONE NASTY REVIEW: "If someone offers to let you see this for free, slap them across the face and kick their dog." -- Movie Cynics
WHY WE LOVE IT ANYWAY: Consider this the long-lost ancestor of the "Scary Movie" franchise -- even more impressive since it was mocking the Friday the 13th franchise, which had only just begun. It's not nearly as funny as "Love at First Bite." But then again, it's as equally unwatchable as the movies it parodies. Believe it or not, there's a 1988 sequel -- Saturday the 14th Strikes Back. Hollywood knows no shame.
Four for gore: Some memorable lines from Saturday the 14th:
4. "Some vampires will believe anything."
3. "When I get that book, I will rule the world! Think of it - famine! War! Death!"
2. "Selling the house now would be like closing the barn door after the horses eat your children."
1. "If you weren't immortal, you'd kill yourself."