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Fatal attraction: The story of Squirrel Girl

5

March

Tone Loc knows the pain of "fatal attractions." I'm betting he watched the 1987 flick with Michael Douglas and Glenn Close a dozen times in a row and this song wrote itself.

But all he really needed to do was talk to me a few years earlier, and I would have told him the story of Squirrel Girl. She was a sophomore at the University of Florida and we met at a social back in the fall of '86. One relatively unremarkable date later and suddenly -- irrationally -- she was everywhere. Waiting outside my door to walk to class. Lurking around the corner at happy hour with the guys. Hiring sky-writers for all I know.

Squirrel After five days of increasingly annoying behavior, she popped out in full psycho mode: "Come home with me this weekend," she begged. "Pa has bagged a whole sack full of squirrels and we're gonna grill them up and have a big family dinner!" My face turned white, my stomach dropped into my shoes, and I quickly remembered my ... umm ... calculus midterm on Monday, that's it! Saved by math -- that was a first.

She dropped me on the spot. It seems the "big squirrel dinner" was the test any guy had to pass to truly win her heart. Math be damned, she reasoned, eating tree rodents fresh from the fire was far more important. And so we learn the real reason we learn calculus in college: To keep the Squirrel Girls at bay.

Tonight at 8, while hosting the American Idol live chat, I confront the demons of Squirrel Girl again as Tatiana Del Toro and other Idol castaways try to weasel their way into the Top 12 after justifiably being dismissed. Join me on Sean Daly's Pop Life blog as we document another low point in American prime time television history. I'm keeping my calculus textbook nearby. Just in case.

[Last modified: Wednesday, June 9, 2010 2:43pm]

    

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