Good beach movies? Gimme a break
It's Spring Break time here in Florida, but before you get carried away and steal a case of Mickey's for the road trip down here, please be aware that things down here have changed a lot since the 80s.
For one, I'm pretty sure it's against the law to do anything fun here anymore. Open containers, driving on the beach, wet t-shirt contests, beer-chugging contests, stalking Debra Lafave, bonfires on the beach. Good luck finding many municipalities that go along with those rituals.
So if you really want to experience a traditional spring break, here are your choices: Be prepared to break some local laws, go somewhere like Cancun, or rent one of the beach movies from the 80s.
Be warned: These are not all spring break movies and they're certainly not all classics. In fact, maybe only a few of them are watchable at all. But like that moment before your first sunburn of the season or that 10th shot of tequila, you're not going to listen to good advice anyway right now anyway. Bottom's up.
SPRING BREAK (1983): David Knell, Perry Lang.
Tagline: "Like it's really, totally, the most fun a couple of bodies can have. You know?"
Review: "What a letdown for horny movie critics." (Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times)
Memorable quote: "Beer's like... f---in' great, ya know?"
WHERE THE BOYS ARE '84 (1984): Lisa Hartman, Lorna Luft.
Tagline: "When girls want a vacation filled with sun, fun and romance, they go to Fort Lauderdale"
Review: "This movie has nothing to do with the song and the 1960 movie whose name it appropriates. It isn't a sequel and isn't a remake and isn't, in fact, much of anything." (Chicago Sun-Times)
Memorable quote: "Sandra, we're going to Fort Lauderdale for ten days. All you need is a bikini, and a diaphragm."
SHAG (1989): Phoebe Cates, Bridget Fonda, Annabeth Gish
Tagline: "On a summer weekend in 1963, four girlfriends made memories that would last a lifetime."
Review: "A tantalizing summer pick-me-up." (Rolling Stone)
Memorable quote: "Daddy's bourbon. Strictly off-limits."
BACK TO THE BEACH (1987): Frankie Avalon, Annette Funicello
Tagline: "Fasten your seatbelts and get ready for a totally NEW WAVE motion picture experience."
Review: "Deeply vapid, with the emotional consistency of styling mousse. Still, worse things have washed up on the beach." (Washington Post)
Memorable quote: "Why, oh, why, oh, why, oh did I ever leave Ohio?"
REVENGE OF THE NERDS II: Nerds in Paradise (1987): Robert Carradine, Curtis Armstrong
Tagline: "The Nerds are Back... and They're Taking a Trip to Paradise!"
Review: "As screenplays go, this is as idiotic as it gets." (Chicago Sun-Times)
Memorable quote: "To truly hock a loogie, one must not retrieve the phlegm from the throat, but from the soul."
POLICE ACADEMY 5: Assignment Miami Beach (1988): Bubba Smith, David Graf.
Tagline: "Hold everything! The cadets are dropping in on Miami Beach for an all new adventure."
Review: "An insufferable collage of coarse slapstick vignettes" (Washington Post)
Memorable quote: "Must be the drugs."
SUMMER RENTAL (1985): John Candy, Rip Torn
Tagline: "Life's A Beach"
Review: "A product of what the eighties did best – cheesy and silly it is, escapist and feel-good, most definitely." (DVD Times)
Memorable quote: "Can you tread water with that hook?"
[Photo: Associated Press. Source: IMDB.com]