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Here's how they SHOULD handle Michael Jackson's funeral

Jackson_funeral We're all tired of waiting for the Jacksons to make up their minds on the funeral, aren't we? It didn't take Michael this long to perfect the moonwalk. But one week after his death, we're no closer it seems to knowing how the story will end.

So I'm proposing this solution. Hollywood, Joe, Katherine ... get out a notebook and pen:

HOLD A PRIVATE FUNERAL NOW: I mean right now. If not today, then Friday. Keep it small. Maybe even just family, Elizabeth Taylor, Diana Ross and Quincy Jones, who better show despite his insistence earlier this week that he's been to his last funeral. Cremate your beloved family member before his 1,000th autopsy and scatter the ashes by plane over Neverland Ranch.

THE PUBLIC MEMORIAL SERVICE: There's no rush here. Take your time. Let's say one month from his death. Hold it at the L.A. Coliseum. Sell tickets if you want (Joe will like that idea). And here's the program:

Seacrest 1. Let Ryan Seacrest emcee the evening, which will be broadcast live around the world (not pay-per-view). Not that Seacrest has any special Jackson connection, but frankly he's about the only person we can trust with these types of jobs anymore.

2. Schedule a bunch of live performance tributes from bands influenced by Michael. Even let David Cook do his little Billie Jean thing again. Get Adam Lambert to do Black or White. (Two Idols and Seacrest? I think Fox will wanna pay for this whole enchilada.)

3. Meanwhile, over in London, stage a similar tribute from London's O2 Arena, the would-be site of his 50-date comeback tour. Just like Live-Aid, organizers should simulcast performances from London to L.A. and back. I'm picturing Elton John singing Ben at a grand piano, with the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra behind him.

4. Halfway through the tribute, cut to Cebu, Philippines, where Filipino inmates will stage a LIVE version of their infamous Thriller dance.

Janetjackson 5. The dramatic conclusion of the night, the remaining members of the Jackson 5 -- with sister Janet -- take the stage in '80s-era outfits to perform a live medley of hits with huge video screens behind them showing vintage footage of Michael. Not a dry eye in the house.

Should you decide to adopt this plan, I ask little in return for myself except a first-class plane ticket to Los Angeles. Not to attend the tribute, but to go and get that promised one-on-one pilates/yoga session with Valley Girl's Deborah Foreman.

Because some things in life are more important than Michael Jackson.

[Last modified: Wednesday, June 9, 2010 2:47pm]


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