'It's Christmas and we're all in misery'
I know most of the Stuck in the '80s nation is out there, happily shoveling snow, wrapping presents, baking all sorts of diabetic delights and cuddling with that '80s-hating spouse and unappreciative rugrats. Oh, I'm SOOO happy for you.
Here in the subtropic kingdom where SIT80s warmly resides, we're expecting a high today of '80s degrees with a 90 percent chance of scattered loneliness. Yep, Spearsy is stuck working both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day again this year. The Vegas Girlfriend is 1,200 miles away. My fridge has a 12-pack of Sam Adams beer, half a quart of spoiled milk and a package of Soy Pups. My only decoration: a 2-foot-tall bent Christmas bush.
If I can find someone to go with, my plan for tonight is hitting up Pornaoke at the Pegasus Lounge in Tampa. Because nothing says Happy Holidays like singing to Dexy's Midnight Runners while hard-core porn plays behind me.
So in the spirit of my current condition, here's today's list.
BEST 'BAH HUMBUG' LINES FROM '80s HOLIDAY MOVIES:
" 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, except ... the four a--holes coming in the rear in standard two-by-two cover formation." (Die Hard)
"The bulk of the heroin will be here Friday night, we'll make delivery at that time. Have the money ready, and no tricks. If you try anything ... you'll have to talk to Mr. Joshua. Merry Christmas." (Lethal Weapon)
"I never liked a girl well enough to give her 12 sharp knives." (Scrooged)
"Be sure to drink your Ovaltine. Ovaltine? A crummy commercial? Son of a bitch!" (A Christmas Story)
"Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn ... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air ... an a--hole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer." (Christmas Vacation)
"You've got a program featuring America's favorite old fart. Reading a book in front of a fireplace. Now, I have to kill all of you." (Scrooged)
"Sons of bitches! Bumpuses!" (A Christmas Story)
"Christmas is around the corner, and I ain't gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip! And my wife ain't gonna ... my wife ain't gonna make love to me if I got no money!" (Trading Places)
"I trust Christmas brings to you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach cramp." (Blackadder's Christmas Carol)
"Now I have a machine gun. Ho ho ho." (Die Hard)
"The Jews taught me this great word. 'Schmuck'. I was a schmuck, and now I'm not a schmuck." (Scrooged)
"No turkey! No turkey sandwiches! No turkey salad! No turkey gravy! Turkey Hash! Turkey a la King! Or gallons of turkey soup! Gone, ALL GONE!" (A Christmas Story)
"You see Santa Claus tonight you better run boy, you better run for ya life!" (Silent Night, Deadly Night)
"Ah, come on! It's Christmas Eve! I could be home right now, drinking this monster eggnog my brother makes with lighter fluid." (Better Off Dead)
"I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery." (Christmas Vacation)