New 13th: Just airhorns and breasts
The new Friday the 13th remake reaches theaters this week. But former Stuck in the '80s guest host Chase Squires (photo left) already saw the whole flick. His full review is on his "Dirty Thoughts" blog, but here's the basic scoop from Chase himself:
Why'd I go? I dunno, nostalgia for the old '80s flix. "Kill, kill, kill, kill." What'd I find? A not scary, nor particularly gory or "horrifying" movie.
Killings way too short and quick, and too many, so none of them really mattered or were scary. A plot that made even less sense than the original. A hole in the space/time continuum, where day fades into night, rain storms pop out of nowhere, "Jason" can apparently fly ... A complete lack of motive in the killings. Good use of a wood chipper.
Lots and lots of breasts!!
And a movie that was ultimately so unscary that each time "Jason" appears they accompany it with a really, really loud noise and flash of light to startle you, like the way the dopey rubber skeletons didn't scare you on those carnival midway rides, so they blast a huge air horn and shine a flashlight in your eyes at the same time ...
There's a difference between being scared and being blasted with an airhorn.