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No need to be Sly: These movies stink

31

August

Forget the Brat Pack movies and the campy sci-fi flicks. When it comes to picking the worst movies of the 80s, we cannot let this issue stand any longer:

Stallone What do we do about Sylvester Stallone?

I'm going to go out a ledge here and say I really like Victory and Rocky III. (I think I'm the only person in the world who owns "Victory" on DVD, and I still rip off my shirt and run around the room when Pele scores the tying goal against the Nazis with his bicycle kick.) But that's where the list of hits ends and the dark pit of despair begins.

So help rank these Stallone movies in order of smell:

FIRST BLOOD (1982): A nice idea for a movie. Too bad Stallone's thick foreign accent garbles all his lines. Wait a minute...

RHINESTONE (1984): Stallone and Dolly Parton. In a movie about country music. Need we say more? (OK, they fall in love too. Now, please go find the screenwriter's home and egg it.)

Rocky14 ROCKY IV (1985): The last time I paid to see a Rocky movie. The scene where Balboa wins over the evil Soviet crowd at the end is beyond pathetic. I say, "Bring back Mr. T!" Clubber Lang is the only boxer the Ruskies would have cheered for.

COBRA (1986): One movie critic called gave this movie a two-word review that my friends and I would use to name our punk-rock band in the late 80s: "Epic Trash."

OVER THE TOP (1987): "Sly, in this movie, you're going to play an arm-wrestling truck-driver named Lincoln Hawk. Your son hates you. Your father-in-law hates you. And probably all your fans will hate you." And yet he did it anyway.

Tango_cash TANGO & CASH (1989): Even Teri Hatcher and Jack Palance must be embarrassed to have co-starred along with Stallone and Kurt Russell in this cop/buddy disaster. As Palance's character says so truthfully: "Ah, the infamous Cash and Tango. ... such a shameful fall from glory."

Have at it. And don't forget: It's not too late to add more movies to the worst-movie list.

[Last modified: Wednesday, June 9, 2010 2:19pm]

    

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