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Not gonna cut footloose: '80s songs you can't dance to



footloose-movie-08.jpgHere's a question for the ages: In 1984's Footloose, was Willard cursed that he couldn't dance? Or was it a blessing in disguise? I'm gonna argue it was a blessing. Sure Ren could cut loose, but when you're Kevin Bacon (or his dancing stunt double), you can pretend to dance to any tune, and people buy it. But the rest of us have a whole lotta Willard in us.

To the point, I believe there are dozens -- maybe hundreds -- of songs in the '80s that aren't danceable. That is, if you're saddled with ordinary (or more likely less-than-ordinary) talent, you can take to the dance floor with fellow clubgoers, but you'll still look like a casting call to Revenge of the Nerds.

You'll get your chance to name your own undanceable tunes. But here are three actual ARTISTS I find it hard to dance to.

PRINCE: Every Prince song is a beat too fast or a beat too slow. Take Let's Go Crazy. Easily too fast. Even at 16, I was an inch away from breaking a hip trying to keep up. And Purple Rain? Too damn slow. I felt like I was in line for the 4 p.m. soft food buffet when that played. Hence, Prince tunes are strictly for activities not involving standing up.

MICHAEL JACKSON: Not his entire catalog, but a few tunes. Bad, for example. Jeesh. I saw it attempted last night at a fundraiser party here in Tampa Bay. People heard the song, raced to the dance floor, tried to find the right groove, and then gave up. The floor was empty two verses into the song. Only M.J. can dance to any M.J. song.

ADAM ANT: Actually, any Ant song is incredibly fun to dance to. Catchy. Dirty. Life-affirming. But also addictive. Next thing you know, you've been out there for an hour, your chest tightens up and 30 seconds later you're staring up at paramedics. Just whisper "Adam Ant" and they'll pull out the pure oxygen mask and you'll be fine. I'm telling you, they should give away "Ant Medical Bracelets" at night clubs.

So what '80s songs do you find it hard to dance to?


[Last modified: Sunday, October 9, 2011 8:49am]


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