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Rambo didn't draw first blood: These did

29

January

New_rambo Is it just me or does it seem like the latest Rambo movie tip-toed quietly into the theaters? Like it almost didn't want to be noticed.

Critics have been understanding and sympathetic to Sly Stallone's latest creation (Read the review here from the Times film critic, my buddy Steve Persall). That's because Stallone and the Rambo franchise are basically a punchline these days.

But is Rambo the lamest of the action-hero movies of the 80s? Not even close.

TOP 10 WORST ACTION MOVIES OF THE 80s:

10. Tango & Cash (1989): Sylvester Stallone, Kurt Russell. Tagline: "Two of L.A.'s top rival cops are going to have to work together... Even if it kills them." One critic said: "All the suppressed homosexuality of the buddy movie genre ... A pathetically juvenile screenplay."

9. Action Jackson (1988): Carl Weathers, Craig T. Nelson. Tagline: "It's Time For 'Action.' " One critic said: "Did they start with the comedy  and then pencil in the sadism, or the other way around?"

8. Above The Law (1988): Steven Seagal, Pam Grier. Tagline: "He was a covert agent trained in Vietnam. He has a master 6th degree black belt in Aikido... and family in the Mafia. He's a cop with an attitude." One critic said: "There are suggestions of so many other action heroes in this guy that he seems to have been assembled from leftover parts."

No_holds_barred 7. No Holds Barred (1989): Hulk Hogan, Joan Severance. Tagline: "No Ring. No Ref. No Rules." One critic said: "I can even pretend that the Hulkster has any place scrubbing cineplex toilets, much less packing people into its theaters."

6. Masters of the Universe (1987): Dolph Lundgren, Frank Langella. Tagline: "Only the universe could hold adventure this big!" One critic said: "Little kids at play have come up with craftier plots, better characterization and conceivably more spectacular effects -- provided their mothers let them play with matches."

5. Megaforce (1982): Barry Bostwick, Michael Beck. Tagline: "There has never been a superhero like ACE HUNTER!" One critic said: "Turn off every logic circuit in your brain and just watch this for the sheer spectacle ... Mind you, a shiny rock can occupy me for hours."

Overthetop 4. Over The Top (1987): Sylvester Stallone, Robert Loggia. Tagline: "Lincoln Hawk will fight for his son the only way he knows how." One critic said: "It's Stallone showing his vulnerable side, a sort of Father Knows Best -- But Can't Put It Into Words."

3. Red Sonja (1985): Arnold Schwarzenegger, Brigitte Nielsen. Tagline: "A woman and a warrior that became a legend." One critic said: "One of those sword and sandals movies where you can only enjoy it if you appreciate the aesthetics of ineptness."

Cobra 2. Cobra (1986): Sylvester Stallone, Brigitte Nielsen. Tagline: "Crime is the disease. Meet the Cure." One critic said: "Keep in mind that even most Stallone fans can't sit through it, so be sure to think long and hard before investing 90 minutes of your life in Marion Cobretti."

1. Gymkata (1985): Kurt Thomas, Tetchie Agbayani. Tagline: "The skill of gymnastics, the kill of karate." One critic said: "Gymkata is based on a book titled 'The Terrible Game.' There is truth in advertising here."

[Last modified: Wednesday, June 9, 2010 2:29pm]

    

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