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Shave Ferris! Unfortunate facial hair of the '80s

28

September

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Growing facial hair in the '80s -- the last decade when it was truly universally accepted -- was one of those risky decisions. Like deciding whether to pull an all-nighter before a big exam or to just get a good night's sleep instead. (Or like eating a box of Kentucky Fried Chicken on the 90-minute drive home from Crescent Beach your freshman year in college because you're really, really hungry and maybe a little drunk. But that's another story.)

Truth is, the Tom Sellecks and Carl Weathers of the world are vastly outnumbered by the Matthew Brodericks and Tom Cruises. Or are they?

As I try to decide the fate of my own facial hair, help out by pointing out some of the truly awful facial hair moments of the '80s. Here are three that come to mind.

Matthew Broderick in GloryMATTHEW BRODERICK (Glory):
The reason:
To play the role of Col. Robert Gould Shaw during the Civil War.
The pros: The makeup designer deserved an Oscar for that fake 'stache.
The cons: So wispy, it couldn't soak up any soup.
The verdict: Shave Ferris!

Tom Cruise in Born on the Fourth of JulyTOM CRUISE (Born on the Fourth of July):
The reason:
 To play Vietnam war veteran/activist Ron Kovic from high school to mid-adulthood.
The pros: It's the only way Cruise would have looked more than 16 years old.
The cons: Looks like it was glued on with Elmer's.
The verdict: Forget peace. Give shaving cream a chance.

Brooke Shields in Blue LagoonBROOKE SHIELDS (Blue Lagoon)
The reason:
Why did she have big eyebrows? That was just the style.
The pros: We're still talking about them 30 years later.
The cons: Nobody's still wearing them 30 years later.
The verdict: Brooke can do whatever she wants, and we'll love her just the same.

[Last modified: Tuesday, September 28, 2010 3:52pm]

    

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