Surprise. Madonna can't really direct either
"The pop-music star's directing debut is a pointless exercise in 'shocking' behavior, involving characters in London so shallow that the most sympathetic is the lecherous Indian dentist who is supposed to be a villain, maybe," Ebert writes.
The fetish-heavy flick revolves around three males living in London during tough times. The actors aren't household names, though Ebert saves his best zingers for the crumpled celebrity in the director's chair.
"Of course films that are about sexual fetishes can be fascinating," he writes. "Remember Secretary, about S&M, or The Crying Game, about transvestism, or Kissed, about necrophilia. All very good films. But in simply observing the fact of a fetish, the old 'frisson' is gone. I mention this because Madonna still gets intrigued, I guess, simply by regarding a stripper sliding down a pole."
Maybe she should have picked up a few industry tips from estranged hubby Guy Ritchie before tossing him to the curb.
Click here to read Ebert's full review.