There goes my metal bikini fixation
For all 80s fans -- especially those of the humanoid, male variety -- the image of Carrie Fisher dressed as a slave girl for Jabba The Hutt is sacred to us. It's not to be mocked, satirized or even duplicated without great care and reverence.
When Jennifer Aniston indulged Ross on "Friends" and wore the metallic bikini during foreplay, we gave a polite golf-clap because it was a simple and effective nod to our fetish.
But on Tuesday night, when cheesesteak-enhanced Ben Harr dropped his robe to reveal our beloved Leia outfit, it was as if millions of voice cried out in terror and then were suddenly silenced. Judges Paula, Randy and Simon did the right thing: Ben was immediately exiled to the forest moon of Endor where a thousand Ewoks tore every strand of hair off his chest with their bare teeth.
Ben, you should have done your research first. There are entire websites dedicated to this cultural phenomenon. For example, go to Leia's Metal Bikini, which is the closest thing to porn that 80s fans can view safely on their work computers. There you will find photos of Fisher in costume (along with scores of other scantily clad females in similar outfits) and even buy the outfit for your own Leia at home. It's enough to make you go to the dark side of the force -- if only for 10 to 15 minutes of quiet, alone time.
The urban legend among 80s nerds, proudly including myself, is that in 1983's "Return of the Jedi," Fisher's bikini didn't fit nearly as snuggly as Harr's version. When she would recline back against Jabba, the top and bottom of the metal outfit would push out from her body, giving nearby film crew members an unobstructed view of her bare goodies.
Fisher didn't mind -- she bragged in interviews that "slept with some nerd" to get the role in the first place. "Some nerd!" And you wonder why I wear that term as a badge of honor. Whereas Ben Harr wears it as a punchline. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some more bikini browsing to do.