Tom Cruise: Your own, personal Jesus
It's official (so says one London tabloid): Tom Cruise is the "Christ" of Scientology. The Sun reports today that Scientology leader David Miscavige believes that the 44-year-old Cruise will be worshiped like Jesus for his efforts to boost awareness of the church.
Let us here at Stuck in the 80s be the first to congratulate Tom for the honor. He now joins the other...
DEITIES OF THE 80s:
Bono, Zeus of the Mullet: Only one person in history is deified for waving a white flag. And you're looking at him.
Jim Belushi, the Buddha of Comedy: Rub his belly and offer a prayer. (Ours is that he quits TV and goes back to making movies like 1986's About Last Night.)
Nick Nolte, the Dionysus of Drama: Did you know Nolte was up for the roles of Superman and Han Solo? Now you know why he's been drowning his sorrow.
Tawny Kitaen, the Aphrodite of Matrimony: She polished the hood of David Coverdale's car (before moving on to Tommy Lee, Jerry Seinfeld, Chuck Finley ... just raise your hand if you haven't dated Tawny).
Madonna, the Athena of the Dance Floor: Unlike her Greek counterpart, she's not a symbol of self-control or discipline (unless it's bondage-and-discipline). But her wardrobe selections have pappa-bear Zeus spitting lightning.
Gene Simmons, the God of Thunder (and rock n' roll): The spell we're under will slowly rob us of our virgin souls.