Top 10 Worst Movies of the 80s (aka Stallone Appreciation Day)
If the three movies by Stallone doesn't give it away, welcome to the Top 10 of our 80 Worst Movies of the 80s list. Write these down and run to your collection of videos and DVDs. Do you own any of these? If so, please immediately go to the garage, find the biggest hammer you own and beat your home entertainment system into little tiny bits.
Today's biggest loser: Sylvester Stallone, come on down! With nearly a third of the movies on the top 10 list, you own this list. I'm having all comments forwarded to his agent.
10. Absolute Beginners (1986): Eddie O'Connell, David Bowie. Tagline: "Welcome to the world of your dreams!" One critic said: "Totally forgettable songs, dance numbers, and a ridiculous plot make Absolute Beginners look like absolute junk."
9. Yentl (1983): Barbra Streisand, Mandy Patinkin. Tagline: "Nothing's Impossible." One critic said: " In a back room of an Ivy League library somewhere there is a fetishist who desperately tries to think of anything besides this film."
8. Cobra (1986): Sylvester Stallone, Brigitte Nielsen. Tagline: "Crime is the disease. Meet the Cure." One critic said: "Keep in mind that even most Stallone fans can't sit through it, so be sure to think long and hard before investing 90 minutes of your life in Marion Cobretti."
7. Heartbeeps (1981): Andy Kaufman, Bernadette Peters. Tagline: "Be on the lookout for this gang of misfit robots." One critic said: "An overlooked, nearly forgotten film that deserves to stay that way."
6. The Pirate Movie (1982): Kristy McNichol, Christopher Atkins. Tagline: "Buckle Your Swash and Jolly Your Roger for the Funniest Rock 'N Rollickin' Adventure Ever!" One critic said: "What Gilbert & Sullivan's [Pirates Of Penzance] would look and sound like if it were rewritten by a boy-crazed middle-schooler who'd rather drool over John Travolta in Grease for the 50th time than suffer through anything close to opera.
5. Defcon-4 (1985): Lenore Zann, Maury Chaykin. Tagline: none. One critic said: "When your film is ultimately going to be compared to superior post-nuclear holocaust genre pictures like The Last Man on Earth and The Omega Man, what chance beyond a good ad campaign do you really have to be remembered?"
4. Rhinestone (1984): Sylvester Stallone, Dolly Parton. Tagline: "A rip roaring, hard lovin' comedy hit with wonderful new songs by Dolly Parton." One critic said: "It is a tossup as to whether Dolly Parton's original songs or Sylvester Stallone's original dialogue is closer in essence to fingernails being drawn across a slate blackboard. "
3. Ishtar (1987): Warren Beatty, Dustin Hoffman. Tagline: none. One critic said: "A truly dreadful film, a lifeless, massive, lumbering exercise in failed comedy.
2. Over The Top (1987): Sylvester Stallone, Robert Loggia. Tagline: "Some fight for money... Some fight for glory... He's fighting for his son's love." One critic said: "A movie about arm-wrestling. What's next? Crab soccer?"
1. Gymkata (1985): Kurt Thomas, Tetchie Agbayani. Tagline: "The skill of gymnastics, the kill of karate." One critic said: "Gymkata is based on a book titled "The Terrible Game." There is truth in advertising here."
In case you're wondering about which movies just narrowly missed being include on the full list of 80s movies, here are a few: Burglar, BMX Bandits, Flowers In The Attic, Hot Pursuit, Cat's Eye, Hello Again, Sweet Liberty, Trick or Treat and Enemy Mine.
Hope you enjoyed the effort. As always, have a field day with your comments. And if you're the kind of reader who enjoy "worst-of" lists, click here to see every worst-of list I've written in the last year!