Turn THESE into sequels, Costner!
Score this idea an error: Kevin Costner is trying to talk Hollywood into making a sequel to our beloved Bull Durham.
No offense, Kevin, but I think the way the first movie ended was just about perfect. I don't want to know what happens next. Let's see. Nuke LaLoosh blows out his arm in the majors and comes back to Durham to fight for Annie's affections while working at the nearby Jiffy Lube. And Crash Davis ends up managing the Bulls and turns around their losing streak. Yawn. And pretty much exactly the same plot as Major League 3: Back to the Minors ... and we all know what a suck-fest that was.
You want to make a few sequels, Kev? Here are some suggested plots for "Part 2" of your other '80s classics. (And by the way, this is absolutely the last time I help you out for free.)
AMERICAN FLYERS (1985): Ah, yes, the forgotten cycling movie. Thankfully between 1985 and 2008, a miracle cure is found for your cerebral tumor. So you return to the sport and win the Tour de France title. Sadly, your wife Sarah (Rae Dawn Chong) leaves you for Lance Armstrong.
THE UNTOUCHABLES (1987): Elliot Ness should have quit while he was ahead. After putting Al Capone behind bars, the real Ness went on to a rather unremarkable career fighting hoods in Cleveland, moonshiners in Kentucky and prostitution in Washington, D.C. (Still it sounds more entertaining than the plot of The Bodyguard.)
NO WAY OUT (1987): You know who else is dying for a sequel of this underrated classic? Sean Young, baby! Turns out her Susan Atwell character didn't die after all. It was all a clever ruse by the Soviet spy machine. Now she's living in sin again with Costner, who is running an espionage school for gifted teenagers in rural Indiana. Sadly, he's exposed when a disgraced Gene Hackman shows up to coach the local high school basketball team.
FIELD OF DREAMS (1989): Now Ray Kinsella's wife Annie (Amy Madigan) is hearing voices -- "If you build it, he will skate." It seems she's haunted from being dumped by her junior high school boyfriend back in 1982. So she heeds her instincts and plows through another corn field to build a rollerskating rink, so she can have one more couple skate with him while REO Speedwagon's Keep on Loving You plays gently in the background. "Hey, sweetie bear ... wanna have a skate?" "I'd like that, Annie..." (Queue the sobbing from the '80s nation. Well, from me anyway.)
[Publicity photo from Orion Pictures]