We're gonna party like the score is 19-9
Big news: Our favorite 80s funk star, Prince, is handling the halftime entertainment chores at February's Super Bowl in Miami. Finally, a halftime we'll actually watch.
Unfortunately, with his Jehovah's Witness beliefs, Prince is disavowing his kinky-but-entertaining tunes like Darling Nikki. But we've written a short script for Prince, just in case he'd like help from his older fans.
Scene 1: The stadium lights go out as the game reaches halftime. The score: Dallas 34, Indianapolis 0. (Peyton Manning still looks a little woozy in the pocket; he was spotted drinking Jager shots off Gloria Estefan's belly on South Beach at 4 a.m.)
Scene 2: Prince steps onto stage wearing a Minnesota Wild hockey jersey, oblivious that this is actually a football game. He greets the audience with a shy smile and a hand gesture that looks obscene. (Later he'll explain that it was a Buddhist symbol for rainbows.)
Scene 3: He launches into a ripping rendition of "Let's Go Crazy." Football commentator John Madden, trying to dance along in the TV studio, falls and sprains his gluteus maximus. His handlers decide Madden is unable to do his halftime analysis, and a grateful nation of fans rejoices.
Final scene: Mariah Carey makes a surprise appearance for a duet of "The Beautiful Ones." In a bizarre wardrobe malfunction, Prince rips off Mariah's top to reveal .... gasp .... the L.A. Lakers basketball jersey that Chevy Chase wore in Fletch! Doesn't anyone in the music biz understand sports?
To be fair, Super Bowl halftime shows were awful in the 80s:
- 1980: Up With People's Salute to the Big Band Era
- 1981: Southern University Band
- 1982: Up With People Salute to the '60s and Motown
- 1983: Los Angeles Super Drill Team
- 1984: University of Florida and Florida State bands
- 1985: U.S. Air Force Band
- 1986: Up With People's Beat of the Future
- 1987: Southern California high school drill teams salute to Hollywood
- 1988: Chubby Checker and the Rockettes
- 1989: South Florida area dancers salute to Snoopy
Have fun, Prince. And just be relieved that the bar for success has been set so low.