Which '80s movie remakes will you watch in 2012?
You know why people aren't going to movies anymore? That's rhetorical because I know the answer after spending $80 to see The Adventures of Tintin over the holiday. (Two adults, two kids, 3D movie with concessions -- seriously, $80). All for a two-hour cartoon whose ending I could have predicted 20 minutes into the film.
And of course, Hollywood's not done screwing with me yet. There are a bunch of '80s remakes coming out in 2012 and 2013. And while NONE of these appear to be worth spending $80 on, you need to ask yourself: Are any of these remakes worth spending 80 cents on?
Here's a partial list:
SHORT CIRCUIT: Steve Guttenberg's movie was an innocent treasure in 1986. The sequel in 1988? Largely forgettable. I'm not sure what Hollywood could do to help here, other than making Johnny Five a little more modern (and maybe giving us another lug to love.) Verdict: I'll watch for it on cable.
HIGHLANDER: There can be only one. Unless you're talking about '80s classics, in which case Hollywood seems intent on shattering that rule. The original flick is a cult classic, but still a little campy. The $80 question: If you remove the camp (and presumably the music from Queen), is it still watchable? Verdict: Maybe worth a Netflix rental.
POINT BREAK: Technically not an '80s movie, but Patrick Swayze and Keanu made this seem like an '80s movie. So we're going to grandfather it in. It has tons of great quotes ("Utah ... get me two...") But what can be improved here? Absolutely nothing. Verdict: Avoid!
EXCALIBUR: I'm not going to get all high and mighty about the take of King Arthur. It's been remade so many times that no decade can claim it. But the 1981 version, particularly dark, will always be my favorite. Of course, there are reports that the remake is already dead in the water, so not even a Holy Grail can help this one out. Still, Hollywood doesn't give up that easily. Verdict: Buy a matinee ticket.
DUNE: Oh, how I love to quote this movie from 1984. "Father, the sleeper has awakened!" Truth is, I thought the original was pretty poor. I like the potential to update the special effects here. And they keep Sting from wearing a diaper again, that's just good for all of us. Again, rumors say it's stalled. But I think I detect wormsign the likes of which not even God has seen. Verdict: $80 date night, here I come.