Who'd surrender to the 'Dread Pirate Spearsy': Top 10 pirate movies of the '80s
The annual Gasparilla Pirate Fest returns to Tampa on Saturday. For those not living in this area, let me explain the general concept.
Step 1: An all-male knewe of blue bloods from Tampa's high society dresses up as pirates and stage a mock invasion of the city from their pirate ship, the Jose Gaspar (named for the pirate that may or may not have invaded the city at some point in our past).
Step 2: Upon reaching downtown, the ship docks, the pirates pillage, the mayor surrenders the city and a massive parade erupts, during which the pirates throw beads -- Mardi Gras style -- to the cheering crowd.
What did I leave out? Oh, everybody is generally drunk out of their minds and women routinely flash their breasts to get the best beads thrown their direction. So it's fun for the whole family.
I personally haven't attended in about 15 years, dating back to an unfortunate incident involving an over-stimulated police horse and a bottle of Captain Morgan's rum in my back pocket.
But with the Vegas Girlfriend coming to town this weekend, and being well aware she has an insatiable pirate fetish, I'm thinking I may have to buck up, find a puffy shirt (or this one from 80stees.com) and do this madness again.
But before I do, I need some inspiration. So here is some required viewing for anyone considering attending Gasparilla 2009.
TOP 10 PIRATE MOVIES OF THE '80s:
10. THE PIRATE MOVIE (1982): Kristy McNichol, Christopher Atkins. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to deflower you!" [Check out 'Pumping and Blowing']
9. THE BOUNTY (1980): Mel Gibson, Anthony Hopkins. "I am in hell, sir! I am in hell!" [Scene]
8. THE GOONIES (1985): Sean Astin, Josh Brolin. "Goonies never say die!" [Trailer]
7. THE ISLAND (1980): Michael Caine, David Warner. "A bunch of a--holes playing Long John #@%&* Silver!"
6. PIRATES (1986): Walter Matthau, Cris Campion. "Holy poker! You son of a double-eyed whore from the reeking gutters of Rotterdam!" [Trailer]
5. THE PIRATES OF PENZANCE (1980): Kevin Kline, Linda Ronstadt. [Please make me stop watching this]
4. THE ICE PIRATES (1984): Robert Urich, Mary Crosby. "I hope no one minds but I have no intention of facing this sober." [Trailer]
3. YELLOWBEARD (1983): Graham Chapman, Peter Boyle. "She couldn't be your mother. No woman ever slept with me and lived." [Trailer]
2. THE PRINCESS BRIDE (1987): Cary Elwes, Mandy Patinkin. "No one would surrender to the Dread Pirate Westley." [The "battle of wits"]
1. NATE AND HAYES (1983): Tommy Lee Jones, Michael O'Keefe. "Ya can't trust women - even when they're dead!"