The etiquette of sending food back is hotly disputed among chefs, restaurateurs and the dining public.

“Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup.”

The punch line to the joke varies, but the scenario is clear cut. Insects of any kind, swimming the backstroke or bobbing idly, are cause for sending soup back. Were it all so simple. At some point every diner is faced with the temptation of returning a dish to the kitchen. There’s the steak that is decidedly not medium rare. Or the time you asked for the sauce on the side but it arrived topping your fish like molten lava destroying a whole civilization.

But when is it OK and what are the rules of engagement?

According to New Port Ritchey etiquette teacher and author Teresa Grisinger Reilly, “It should be looked at as strictly business. You purchased something and it’s a disappointment. You need to tell the waiter immediately.”

This means after the first bite, asserts Virgel Kelly of Kelly's for Just About Anything in Dunedin. “If you don’t like something, don’t wait until after you finish the meal to tell the server.”

“Our waiters do a two-minute check,” says fellow Dunedin restaurateur, Kathleen LaRoche, owner of Black Pearl. “We walk around—you can tell when someone doesn’t like something, you can see it in their eyes.”

Beyond saying it with your eyes, you need to say it with your mouth, but nicely.

Says Grisinger Reilly, “Don’t feel embarrassed or pushy. State your opinion in an abbreviated manner with a brief description of the problem. You don’t want to attract any attention, so you want to be understated. Do it with a smile on your face so the waiter knows it’s not a confrontation.”

So, you’re smiling, you’re talking – but what exactly are you saying? Sometimes tact is of the essence.

“The food can be sent back to the kitchen especially if it is overcooked or undercooked,” explains Fabrizio Schenardi, chef of Pelagia at the Renaissance International Plaza. “But what I really have a hard time to understand is the word ‘disgusting.’ Some people use it to say that they do not like the food or it does not appeal to their taste. All the chefs I know, they hate to hear that word and they get very irritated and upset with their staff. They can put the kitchen upside down just to understand what is wrong with the dish.”

Jeanie Roland, chef/owner of The Perfect Caper in Punta Gorda sees it like this: “People with legitimate food issues – a wrong temperature, food that is cold or not good quality -- should send it back. Not liking a dish and returning it is different, since all tastes vary. My years in a kitchen tell me just don’t eat it. You never know who is on the other side of the door and you never know what they will do to your second try.”

A scary thought—chef’s revenge.

Know yourself

Ellen Zusman, owner of ImaginEats in Tampa and an avid restaurant goer, uses a metaphor.

“If you go to a G-rated movie and it’s incredibly violent, you can ask for your money back because it didn’t meet your expectations. But if you just don’t like the movie, you can’t ask for your money back.” She urges diners to have a clear idea of likes and dislikes, and some knowledge of food—if you don’t like celery or are allergic to peanuts, you need to know what kinds of dishes might harbor these ingredients.

Then the task becomes trying to select a dish that best matches your tastes. The key to this is asking questions. Feel free to tell your server what you can’t or won’t eat, and ask detailed questions about specials or anything on the menu you might not understand. Menu-speak can sometimes be inscrutable (“crispy confit with oxheart beet bubbles and sweet pea foam”). There’s no shame in admitting you aren’t clear on bubbles and foam.

And don’t be bullied. Servers are sometimes “incentivized” to sell particular dishes. Either the kitchen got in a huge shipment of monkfish, or the chef is particularly proud of the day’s bouillabaisse. Servers may win a prize if they flog it successfully, but that doesn’t mean you should cave in if you had your heart set on the stuffed pork loin.

It’s all in the timing

There is a difference between bad service and a busy restaurant. If upon being seated in a restaurant you notice servers scurrying wildly, adopt a proactive stance. Be decisive, ordering your appetizers and entrees at the same time, and be specific about your expectations: “We’re catching a show at 7 p.m.” or “We’re not in a hurry, so please allow us to fully finish our appetizers before bringing our entrees.”

This helps wait staff and kitchen with the timing of your meal. In the unfortunate event that your entrees arrive on the heels of your first bite of salad, Grisinger Reilly suggests asking the restaurant to take the appetizers away and off the bill.

“This is not supposed to happen. The restaurant just couldn’t get its timing right. You want to eat the entrée while it’s fresh and hot. That’s where the expense of the meal is going to be.”

So, assuming you just sent something back—your appetizer, your entrée, whatever—now you’ve got to kill some time and accommodate a little lag.

Tom Pritchard cautions, “If someone sends back something and then they sit there and wait, that can screw up the rhythm of the whole meal.”

If you’ve sent something back, Grisinger Reilly suggests urges your dining companions to continue eating their meal.

“Then start telling a story -- so you wouldn’t be eating anyway --something interesting and non-controversial.”

A joke, even, but maybe not the one about the fly in the soup.