Captain Posh-In-Boots strikes again

SEPTEMBER 30, 2008

Ladies and gentleman, fair denizens of America, have no fear! Captain Posh-In-Boots is here to save your hiney from violent crime, political injustice, and carbohydrates of all kind!

Faster than a speeding Toyota Prius, more powerful than a stiletto to the groin, Captain Posh-In-Boots uses her patented thigh-high latex footwear to stamp out the dark villains of the city (athletic shoe designers, cheese and bread distributors, those who panned her latest haircut).

When the mayor blasts the Emergency Mystic Tan Sky Signal, Captain Posh-In-Boots exits the Spice Cave and wobbles onto the scene carefully, because her magic boots are aerodynamically designed with no actual heels, just sheer pain. She unleashes her signature battle cry ("All I reallyreallyreally want is zig-a-zig-ah!"). With swift high kicks and hollow facial expressions, she sends the criminals packing back to K-Mart where they belong. On the way home, she stops at Neiman Marcus to pick up a new pair of freakass boots as a personal reward for being so completely may-jah.

The next morning, when newspapers print scathing photos painting her as a reckless menace to society, Captain Posh-In-Boots remains unfazed, because at least she looked skinny on the front page. Also, she has a really hot husband, so ppbbtthh.

~ Deal Diva Stephanie

(Photo: Getty)

Posted by at 11:45:54 am on September 30, 2008 in

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THE AUTHORS

Stephanie Hayes came out of the womb wearing high heels. While other kids were reciting multiplication tables, she was learning to calculate an extra third off the half-price discount during buy-one-get-one week. She loves animal prints, black mascara and anything that sparkles. She objects to visible panty lines, Crocs and anything that costs more than a car payment. And she doesn't drive a nice car. She can be reached at (727) 893-8857 or shayes@tampabay.com.

As a sullen teenager, Emily Nipps refused to wear anything but black, olive green or burgundy, preferably ripped. She has since added color to her life but still experiments with her dark streak. A product junkie, she has tried tons of overpriced face creams and hair products but loves drugstore brands that work the same. She's an Aries and a bassist in a punk band. She has a pet pig, seven chickens, three cats and a rabbit. And just as many lip glosses. She can be reached at (727) 893-8452 or nipps@tampabay.com.

Kameel Stanley has never encountered a thrift store she didn’t like. Her mother taught her that the true value of clothes isn’t how much they cost, but how many outfits one can create from them. Having grown up in Michigan, she was delighted to learn upon moving to Florida that she almost never needed to wear socks or boots again. There’s a lot of turnover in her closet, and she’s obsessed with dresses, necklaces and wedge heels. She can be reached at (727) 893-8643 or kstanley@tampabay.com.

A disciple of the little black dress classics school, Letitia Stein stretches her budget by looking for styles with staying power. She lives for 80 percent off shoes at DSW, floral sundresses and bohemian chic tops. She confesses to being a bit of a snob when it comes to handbags and jewelry. She can be reached at (813) 226-3400 or lstein@tampabay.com.

Coming from a long line of fashionable women, Kim Wilmath considers herself lucky to fit into their hand-me-downs. Her wardrobe staples include her grandma's vintage blouses and her mom's funky jewelry. When she's in the market for "new" items, Kim hits her favorite thrift stores -- a habit she also picked up from mom. But when circumstances require a visit to the shiny stores in the mall, you'll find Kim at the sale rack like a good little diva. She can be reached at (813) 661-2442 or kwilmath@tampabay.com.

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