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Jessica Simpson's jeans of terror
1) Jessica Simpson is a gorgeous creature. Not fat. Beautiful.
Sure, maybe she has a spare fiver, but for the love of Lisa Rinna, it's JANUARY. We all do!! Show me one person in your life who didn't pick up a hot buttered roll over the holidays. November and December, I ate nothing but shortbread cookies dipped in turkey gravy.
2) That said, I know what she was thinking when she wore those infamous jeans. After Christmas, you don't taxi to the Low Rider Ward of Muffin Top City, U.S.A. You play up your natural waist! Clench your smallest part!
But instead of, say, a cute dress with a tapered waist and A-line skirt, she chose a high-waisted uterus sling from hell that looks good on NO ONE, except maybe the seven-pound baby model shown here. She's sporting Grey Ant's carpenter jeans, which some outlets have implicated as Jess's offending denim.
3) Big deal.
In the glory years of 2000-02, my fave party outfit was a spandex jumpsuit and rhinestone choker. In sixth grade, I had a silk sunflower vest. Recently, I pranced about New York City in a long shirt and leggings I THOUGHT were opaque. I was wrong. I basically toured Hell's Kitchen with NO PANTS. And today, I wore jeans to work because I thought it was Friday, not Thursday.
We all wear stupid crap. But we don't have to endure having our picture plastered on the interwebz at traumatizing angles. The closest we get is when our bitchy girlfriends do us WRONG on Facebook by tagging us raising the roof during hour six of cousin Lucy's potluck-n-beer wedding (pictured left). And we can just untag the sucker and cut people out of our lives.
Jessica. GIRL. It's ok. Just get new jeans, have a cookie and try exercising that long finger in the middle.
~ Deal Diva Stephanie
Photo: 1) Getty. 2) product shot of Grey Ant Carpenter Jean, available for $106 at revolveclothing.com. Grey Ant seems to be a nice, respectable company that otherwise makes cute clothes. I'm sure they never meant to ruin a Simpson. 3) Facebook photo of me raising the roof at a wedding.
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Looking for shopping deals in Tampa Bay? The Deal Divas are on the prowl, sniffing out hot fashion finds that won't leave your wallet in ruins. Now you never have to miss a shopping deal! Sign up for weekly Deal Diva Alerts by e-mail. by e-mail. And check in often for the lowdown on local bargains, as well as fashion advice, fun photos and style news. Because shopping should be all about the Washingtons!
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THE AUTHORS
Stephanie Hayes came out of the womb wearing high heels. While other kids were reciting multiplication tables, she was learning to calculate an extra third off the half-price discount during buy-one-get-one week. She loves animal prints, black mascara and anything that sparkles. She objects to visible panty lines, Crocs and anything that costs more than a car payment. And she doesn't drive a nice car. She can be reached at (727) 893-8857 or shayes@tampabay.com.
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Kameel Stanley has never encountered a thrift store she didn’t like. Her
mother taught her that the true value of clothes isn’t how much they cost,
but how many outfits one can create from them. Having grown up in Michigan,
she was delighted to learn upon moving to Florida that she almost never
needed to wear socks or boots again. There’s a lot of turnover in her
closet, and she’s obsessed with dresses, necklaces and wedge heels. She can
be reached at (727) 893-8643 or kstanley@tampabay.com.
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A disciple of the little black dress classics school, Letitia Stein stretches her budget by looking for styles with staying power. She lives for 80 percent off shoes at DSW, floral sundresses and bohemian chic tops. She confesses to being a bit of a snob when it comes to handbags and jewelry. She can be reached at (813) 226-3400 or lstein@tampabay.com.
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Coming from a long line of fashionable women, Kim Wilmath considers herself lucky to fit into their hand-me-downs. Her wardrobe staples include her grandma's vintage blouses and her mom's funky jewelry. When she's in the market for "new" items, Kim hits her favorite thrift stores -- a habit she also picked up from mom. But when circumstances require a visit to the shiny stores in the mall, you'll find Kim at the sale rack like a good little diva. She can be reached at (813) 661-2442 or kwilmath@tampabay.com.
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