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Live blog: Golden Globe fashion disasters
Award season, y'all! The Golden Globes are on, and I'm holding down the fash fort here at Diva Central (a.k.a., the couch), rocking a T-shirt from college and highwater yoga pants, stuffing cookies in my maw. This of course means I have no right to tease anyone, but I won't let a silly thing like that stop me.
A couple general observations:
A) As always, pale celebs have terrorized us by wearing shades of mother of pearl/ecru/oatmeal/grits a-go-go. This is a pet peeve. If you have all the melanin of a Dublin potato farmer, for cheese sake, choose an actual color. B) Pants suits everywhere! Glenn Close! Susan Sarandon! Hill Clint would be proud. C) Either it was really humid out, or "Bushy Mosquito Net Likely Coated With Malaria Residue" is Hairstyle Guide's 2009 answer to "The Rachel."
But enough. Let's get down to brass tacks before I run out of cookies! Without further adieu, here are the Deal Diva Golden Globe fashion disasters of the year! Click the photos to zoom your way to terror.
Renee Zellweger: "You're confused. You thought I'd show up in a Carolina Herrera mini dress looking sour of face. Well, I GOT THE BEST OF YOU. This, my friends, is a stolen number from the costume closet of my latest film, "The Witches of Eastwick Explore the Moulin Rouge," coming to a Blockbuster near you in 2010. What? Transparent? Scary smooth alien breasts? That's preposterous. Fie, fie and apple pie! A scoop of sea newt in your eye! A blast of fire ash in your... Oh, damn. It is see through. Where IS my stylist!? Ooh... that hex actually works? Does anyone have a mop?
Drew Barrymore: I don't totally hate this dress on Drew. She's done worse. But the whole thing -- the hair, the makeup, the guffaws... OK, you know like when you get all hot and ready to go out, and you feel fierce? You're so confident that you have three appletinis, maybe four? When "Soulja Boy" comes on, you scream and teach everyone the dance? Then you order one more appletini because life is short? Then you go to the bathroom to reapply your lipgloss, glance mirror-ward and OH, HOLY HELL *%&IF#W&UEY^&*&#$* BALLS!!! The night has taken its toll! That's the vibe I'm getting here.
STING: ACK! CALL THE POLICE! IT'S THAT CREEPY FRIEND OF MY DAD'S WHO HANGS AROUND THE HOUSE AND GIVES ME BAD STARES! What? That's beloved singer-songwriter Sting? Formerly of The Police? Well, that's ironic. What a relief. I really didn't want to fill out more paperwork.
Maggie Gyllenhaal: Oh, I don't know. I'm an avid supporter of leopard print, and the blue is kind of cheeky. But the whole silhouette makes me think "toilet paper roll." And her shoulder looks like it exploded in some terrible mining accident, thus disfiguring poor Maggie but gracing her with an inspirational story of survival. I feel like she knows it, too. Her general expression yearns for sweatpants and a wine cooler. I feel you, girl.
Cameron Diaz: "I will steal your soul, do you HEAR ME, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE? Then I'll find your little girlfriend and STEAL HERS. Nobody will implicate me, because I've worn this pink bridal shower wrapping paper as a disguise to appear sweet. But when you least suspect, I will SUCK OUT YOUR LIFEBLOOD. Call me!"
Jennifer Lopez: I'm not mad at this. I just sort of think it's predictable. We've seen J.Lo rock the flashy, plunging double sided tape thing more times than we've seen the eppy of Friends where Ross dresses as the Holiday Armadillo. You know? But maybe I'm wrong. Old Marc "Grabby Mitts" Anthony there seems to like it.
Laura Dern: I love Laura Dern! Great actress, cute as a button, good sense of humor. Congrats on the win! Maybe there's a good explanation for this, er, dress. Hand-me-down from long lost third-great-cousin June Cleaver? Kicky tribute to hoop skirt architecture? Impending post-ceremony 8th grade Winter Wonderland dance? That's probably it.
Mickey Rourke: ...
...
...
I need to go to bed.
~ Deal Diva Stephanie
Photos: AP and Getty, Times files
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Looking for shopping deals in Tampa Bay? The Deal Divas are on the prowl, sniffing out hot fashion finds that won't leave your wallet in ruins. Now you never have to miss a shopping deal! Sign up for weekly Deal Diva Alerts by e-mail. by e-mail. And check in often for the lowdown on local bargains, as well as fashion advice, fun photos and style news. Because shopping should be all about the Washingtons!
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THE AUTHORS
Stephanie Hayes came out of the womb wearing high heels. While other kids were reciting multiplication tables, she was learning to calculate an extra third off the half-price discount during buy-one-get-one week. She loves animal prints, black mascara and anything that sparkles. She objects to visible panty lines, Crocs and anything that costs more than a car payment. And she doesn't drive a nice car. She can be reached at (727) 893-8857 or shayes@tampabay.com.
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Kameel Stanley has never encountered a thrift store she didn’t like. Her
mother taught her that the true value of clothes isn’t how much they cost,
but how many outfits one can create from them. Having grown up in Michigan,
she was delighted to learn upon moving to Florida that she almost never
needed to wear socks or boots again. There’s a lot of turnover in her
closet, and she’s obsessed with dresses, necklaces and wedge heels. She can
be reached at (727) 893-8643 or kstanley@tampabay.com.
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A disciple of the little black dress classics school, Letitia Stein stretches her budget by looking for styles with staying power. She lives for 80 percent off shoes at DSW, floral sundresses and bohemian chic tops. She confesses to being a bit of a snob when it comes to handbags and jewelry. She can be reached at (813) 226-3400 or lstein@tampabay.com.
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Coming from a long line of fashionable women, Kim Wilmath considers herself lucky to fit into their hand-me-downs. Her wardrobe staples include her grandma's vintage blouses and her mom's funky jewelry. When she's in the market for "new" items, Kim hits her favorite thrift stores -- a habit she also picked up from mom. But when circumstances require a visit to the shiny stores in the mall, you'll find Kim at the sale rack like a good little diva. She can be reached at (813) 661-2442 or kwilmath@tampabay.com.
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