Dear Santa,

I know it's July or whatever, but I've been really good so far and stuff. So, like, just shut up and bring me some shoes, OK? I mean, for real, I've had a long week and it's high time you just put on that red clown suit of yours and do my bidding. I'm in no mood to negotiate.

I want these:

Yeah, whatever, I know they're $110. But what else will you do with the money? Feed starving kids? Adopt homeless ferrets? Pssh. SHOES. NOW. CAPICHE?

Next, I expect these also to be in your velvet knapsack of Steph's Exclusive Loot. Look closely:

I'm throwing you a bone here, Santa. They're on sale, down from $98 to $58.99. Seriously, when do you even get kids that are this accommodating? They're all, "WAA, I want a bike, WAA, my mom doesn't love me, WAA, I hate getting clothes!" See how nice I'm being? I'm giving you OPTIONS. Because that's what a Deal Diva DOES.

Oh, and don't get cute with me, Santa. I know your type. You'll probably try to be funny and leave some prank gift under my decorative silk ficus tree (What, you have YOUR frosty pine up in July?) If these come anywhere near my house, I'm telling every child in my neighborhood you don't exist:

Don't do it, Nickalaus McGee. I'm not Luke Skywalker, and you're not George Carlin. Give up the comedy schtick, go kick those lazy reindeer out of their sleep cave and GET ME SOME SHOES. 

Till Christmas,

Deal Diva Stephanie

Photos: all from piperlime.com, where Steph made the mistake of going online shoe shopping after a long day.