Bras and drama: BFFs
If you haven't heard, some women are claiming Victoria's Secret bras made them break out into rashes and red welts. Though Vicki's has denied it, the gals claim their bras contain formaldehyde, which is used in some fabrics to decrease wrinkling.
I haven't had any welts from VS, thankfully. But I do have another problem that makes me break out -- the hot models plastered on the walls in the store.
A while ago, I freaked in the VS dressing room when, mid-bra, I saw a picture of Adriana Lima (left) staring back at me. I was SO MAD. Seriously, WTF? Dressing rooms are the 9th ring of self esteem hell. It's ALLL out there. Your back fat. Your winter shaving situation. The blueberry pie you ate straight from the tin during a VH1 Rock of Love marathon. Who wants to disrobe next to a Brazilian supermodel?
After my traumatic bra-buying moment, I took to my personal diary to let out my feelings, channeling the fury by devising a list of people I'd rather see in the dressing room at Victoria's Secret. What with the recent Vicki's press, I thought I'd dig into the archives and share it with you. Here are my suggested replacements for Adriana and friends:
She's so cute, so real! Sure, she's stunning, but it's not the kind of stunning that makes you want to adopt 18 cats and live forever in solitude. She's your best girlfriend. Her arm isn't the size of a Red Vine. And after you both buy size 36 bras on clearance, she'll go grab some Dippin' Dots with you in the food court and laugh at people wearing Crocs. Love her.
Oprah would encourage you to journal your feelings about the perils of bra shopping. Just a mere glance up at her, and you'd realize that "THIS IS THE YEAR TO TAKE CONTROL!" You'd know that if you don't love yourself, you can't possibly offer your gifts of love to the important people in your life. Then, BOOM! She'd toss a pair of Ugg boots through the picture and say "EVERYONE IS GETTING A PAIR!"
Kelly: "You feeling chubby today? Me too. Sucks, doesn't it? Let's go drink Jack and Coke and write boy-bashing songs. Let's burn our bras. But only for a couple months. Then, let's totally diet together. Kay?"
Hi, here's a thought. Instead of a hot model we want to slap, how about a hot dude? George: "Nothing is sexier than an average-looking woman whose feet are swollen from shopping all day. Hey, is that a Goody plastic tortoise shell claw clip? I love those. You should really get into modeling. Oh, and totally buy that bra. But maybe try it in nude. White tends to show through dark tops. Just a tip. Now kiss me."
~ Deal Diva Stephanie