Did you all play Joan Rivers at the Golden Globes last night? I sure did, from the comfort of my couch, makeupless, clad in frayed yoga pants and a $3 tank top from Forever 21, slamming back won-ton soup and egg rolls. There is no finer way to criticize beautiful, famous people. You can read the full recap here on our Twitter page.

Sweeping observations? The females of Hollywood need a serious bra fitting (I'm looking at you, Penelope Ann Miller and Reese Witherspoon) or, you know, A BRA (I'm looking at you, Claire Danes and Heidi Klum). Mostly, I was bugged by how annoyed some of the celebrities seemed to be there (I'm looking at you, Mark Salling and Adam Levine and Rooney Mara). Maybe it's the winter blues, and they all have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Honestly, if drinking free Moet with Steven Spielberg is so much of a hassle, please, stay home, count your money and stare at a light bulb.

Anyway, enough unqualified diagnoses. Onward with the fashion.

Laura Dern

My favorite of the night. You might disagree. One of our readers on Twitter called her a Christmas ornament. But I happen to love tannenbaums and think this is sexy without being matronly. It fits perfectly, it's in a COLOR, which so many celebs are averse to, and it's really different. Also, CRYSTALS YAY YAY!

Evan Rachel Wood

Second favorite. MAN, I love this. The rich color is drinking in the Kool-Aid of her fair skin. And feathers are pretty much the best. I said she looked like a really stylish chick version of The Crow. My boyfriend objected and said she looks like "a crow," not "The Crow." "Don't do that to Brandon Lee," he added. Fair enough. Anyway, Evan here has come such a long way from the Dark Days of Marilyn Manson, during which she was floundering in Dita Von Teese's dress rehearsal castoffs. Well-played, kid.

Charlize Theron

I have such a serious girl crush on Charlize. I think she's a fantastic actor, and probably the most beautiful woman in the world, tied with Halle Berry. This, though, I don't love. The side bow seems like a really elaborate hiding place for snacks (not that there's anything wrong with that), and the top is ill-fitting. But did you hear her interview with Seacrest? She was SO SICK. She was all sniffly and puffy and watery-eyed. She probably just wanted to be home in a stained Dartmouth T-shirt holding a box of Puffs Plus, so this is pretty great considering. I'd probably look like a sobbing honey badger.

Viola Davis

Gorgeous. That color is so outstanding, and the fit is great. Her hair looks good, if maybe a little Bieber, but I can relate because I had the Bieber cut for much of last year. The only nit? Pull in the leg. She's like this in all the pictures. We know the slit is there. It's best to let it happen naturally (see Charlize, above). The result is less defensive end and more demure babe.

Sarah Michelle Gellar

This lady is the coolest. Not only is she the star of some of the most enduring teen ensemble films of the 1990s, she is funny and warm and charming. She seemed genuinely glad to be there, and during her interview with Giuliana was all, "My husband is home watching football, SNORE." And then she said something nice under her breath about G's breast cancer, and we were all, "AWWW, SMG!" But, um. About the dress. It reminds me of a Davidoff Cool Water perfume ad (how 90s of her). I actually think the design might work in a sleeker shape. But there's too much going on, and it overwhelms her tiny frame. But still. Let's hang out, SMG!

Rooney Mara

I don't have much to say about the dress. I guess the sliced-up black thing is sort of her wheelhouse now. But I am already weary of the tortured, fragile, sullen face she always gives. I'm sure she's tired of answering questions from idiots about her nipple piercings and ear spacers and tattoos and whatever, but still. Smile! You're rich and famous and talented! It's not an execution! It's a dinner party!

Paula Patton

This color is a revelation. She looks like a sunrise, or a delicious slice of egg from a Jimmy Dean breakfast sammie. I support this fully. I simultaneously hate Paula Patton because she is married to hottie Robin Thicke. I saw him in concert when he opened for Alicia Keys, and let me just tell you, she is one lucky wench. But back to the dress. Yellow plays amazing on her, but I'm not sure it's for everyone. Case in point...

Emily Blunt

Even she is like, "Wait, don't say it. This dress is way too close to my skin tone. I look jaundiced. I know. Mistakes were made. My husband is cute, too, you know. John Krasinski? I want to go home."

Octavia Spencer

I just don't know. I like the color on her, but it looks like she's getting ready to attend her son's wedding out in the Berkshires. It's a little stodgy for someone who is supposedly so funny. I also wish she'd stop pseudo-apologizing for knowing the director of The Help and getting the role of Minny. Whatever. You got the part, you rocked it. Haters can sit online and talk about how your dress looks too Mother of the Bride. Wait... Can I start over?

Jessica Biel

Speaking of brides. Ok. My theory is, now that she's (allegedly) engaged to Justin Timberlake, she has been spending every waking hour watching Say Yes to the Dress on TLC, and thus, her fashion has also become unduly influenced. You know how it goes. The bride comes in with her little magazine snips, thinking she wants a sleek mermaid style, when all of a sudden that Randy guy pops around the corner and starts wrapping her in antique lace and boned corsets and avantgarde sleeve puffs, and before you know it, the bride is all, "I like where this is headed. Do you have something in more of an 'Undead Sister Wife' style?" Also, Jessica's shoes don't fit.

Nicole Kidman

From certain angles, it appears as if her breasts are swaddled in palm fronds. But I also kind of adore this. It's classic Nicole, long and lean and bold. Some people could not pull this off (as in, all the rest of the people in the world). On her, it's really interesting and structural. And her hair looks great and youthful. Down with severe Kidman buns!

Claire Danes (back)

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Claire Danes (front)

No! No! No! Bra! Petals! Duct tape! ANYTHING!

Uggie, the dog from The Artist

Best dressed. Obviously.

Deal Diva Stephanie

Photos: AP