I haven't had a haircut in... six million months.

Thusly, it looks like a peroxide bush. I have no other choice lately but to put it in a terrible 90s claw clip and focus on my inner beauty. It's driving me up the wall.

Thursday, I have tentative plans to make a lunch hour salon dash, provided nothing explodes sending the city into certain and unprecedented turmoil. Or unless I get a better offer for lunch.

I think I want to maintain my shoulder length and just get some basic layers so I don't look like a Teletubby anymore. But I want to bring a photo to guide the girls at the Aveda Institute in St. Pete, who offer cheap cuts but are still learning their trade. That's where you come in.

Help me pick the best look!

First up, Kim Caldwell, the former American Idol contestant who now hosts that really awkward show on the TV Guide Channel with Justin "Sideshow Bob" Guarini. Srsly, who uses the TV Guide Channel anymore? Shouldn't they finally chuck the inch of programming information scrolling across the bottom and zoom out on Guarini's curl situation? Isn't it time?

Anyway, I like this for its many layers and heavy bangs, but... I would presumably brush mine. This is an area where Kim has failed. FAILED.

Next up, we have Faith Hill. She is less Bang-Centric (that sounds like a bad porn), a little more subtle. I think this is pretty, but I have fears something this heavy in the back could verge on mullet territory, and I want to leave that to Eastern European footballers.

Then, there's Jessica Simpson, sporting what is most likely a wig. But it looks good. I like the blunt edges, but I worry that in a ponytail situation, it could resemble the ends of one of those fiber optic wands you make your parents buy at Epcot Center outside Spaceship Earth when you're 8.

Finally, depending on what kind of day I'm having, I could totally lose my effing mind and chop my entire face off. It has happened before. I once walked into a salon with hair down my back and left with a pixie cut. The hairdresser died a little inside.

If the hair terrorist bug rises within, I will likely fall back to my constant source of inspiration, my shining beacon of hope, my symbol of all that is holy...

Posh. Oh, Posh. Just look at your boobs crammed into that thing. You have my heart. You have my everything. Will you have my hair, as well?

Let's hear it, folks!

~ Deal Diva Stephanie

Photos: all pics from hairpedia.com, the site which saves me.