Jennifer Lopez is back in the media spotlight with her zany pregnancy whodunit, the Back-up Plan. Her fashion is historically erratic, with much double-stick tape and lip pouting. Following the array of questionable jumpsuits she wore recently, Lopez is on a quest for red carpet redemption.

But she is savvy, that one. Lopez goes nowhere without the aid of her lawyer and trusted fashion ally, Al B. Suingyou.

The Deal Divas have obtained copies of her attorney’s e-mails. In doing so, we discovered that it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. Jennifer Lopez will take you down.

Dear creator of Spanx:

You are hereby informed of pending legal action against your mid-rise shapewear. You have turned my client’s naturally curvaceous torso into a water balloon sectioned with twine. We know how you work. Your counsel will rebut that Ms. Lopez should have gone up a size, and that you can’t be held liable for ill-fitting tweed. To that end, we have prepared documentation (US Weekly cover) to prove that Ms. Lopez is indeed a size zero. Any posturing to the contrary amounts to slander. (BTW, can I get an autograph? My wife loves your leggings).

Dear understanding friends at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals:

How ya been? I’d like to take this opportunity to direct your attention to my client’s slammin’ bod. When’s the last time you saw calves like that? At the veal farm, right? Oh... I mean, strike that joke from the record, please. True, my client is escorting a dog in the lower half of an aluminum U-Haul dolly, but there are flowers on it and it’s pink. The canine is most satisfied, I assure you. Furthermore, my client is WORKIN’ that dress, and her hair looks wicked sweet. I implore you to focus what really matters. To wit, not the animal.

Dear stylist:

When Ms. Lopez text messaged you the words, “in the bag,” she was referring to her chances of winning an Academy Award for her illustrious performance in the Back-up Plan. It was not a subtle request for you to wrap her wholly in a Hefty drum liner. Also, my client’s postscript text message reference to “cupcake” was a delicious demand for her dressing room rider, not a plea for tragic, food-based hair art. I look forward to resolving this in mediation. Please supply cupcakes for the meeting. They are on my mind like whoa.

Deal Diva Stephanie

Photos: Getty, AP