Jessica Simpson's jeans of terror
1) Jessica Simpson is a gorgeous creature. Not fat. Beautiful.
Sure, maybe she has a spare fiver, but for the love of Lisa Rinna, it's JANUARY. We all do!! Show me one person in your life who didn't pick up a hot buttered roll over the holidays. November and December, I ate nothing but shortbread cookies dipped in turkey gravy.
2) That said, I know what she was thinking when she wore those infamous jeans. After Christmas, you don't taxi to the Low Rider Ward of Muffin Top City, U.S.A. You play up your natural waist! Clench your smallest part!
But instead of, say, a cute dress with a tapered waist and A-line skirt, she chose a high-waisted uterus sling from hell that looks good on NO ONE, except maybe the seven-pound baby model shown here. She's sporting Grey Ant's carpenter jeans, which some outlets have implicated as Jess's offending denim.
3) Big deal.
In the glory years of 2000-02, my fave party outfit was a spandex jumpsuit and rhinestone choker. In sixth grade, I had a silk sunflower vest. Recently, I pranced about New York City in a long shirt and leggings I THOUGHT were opaque. I was wrong. I basically toured Hell's Kitchen with NO PANTS. And today, I wore jeans to work because I thought it was Friday, not Thursday.
We all wear stupid crap. But we don't have to endure having our picture plastered on the interwebz at traumatizing angles. The closest we get is when our bitchy girlfriends do us WRONG on Facebook by tagging us raising the roof during hour six of cousin Lucy's potluck-n-beer wedding (pictured left). And we can just untag the sucker and cut people out of our lives.
Jessica. GIRL. It's ok. Just get new jeans, have a cookie and try exercising that long finger in the middle.
~ Deal Diva Stephanie
Photo: 1) Getty. 2) product shot of Grey Ant Carpenter Jean, available for $106 at revolveclothing.com. Grey Ant seems to be a nice, respectable company that otherwise makes cute clothes. I'm sure they never meant to ruin a Simpson. 3) Facebook photo of me raising the roof at a wedding.