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Deal Divas

Stephanie Hayes, Katie Sanders, Kameel Stanley, & Keyonna Summers

Kid Rock joins the Celebrity Court Fashion Hall of Shame

16

September

Here's the thing about court. It's a funbag of seedy types, not a runway of conservative, well-mannered fashion. As a reporter who has sat in court a time or two, I've seen muffin tops, cleavage, a variety of chains, knit hoods, exposed underwear, ill-advised whiskered denim. One time, I watched a judge throw out a kid wearing a shirt that said "VOTE FOR PEDRO."

It stands to reason that, when you take typical crazy and add a layer of celebrity, thus removing the defendant one more precious step from reality, this results:

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This here is Happy Days star Donny Most. Kidding. It's Kid Rock, on trial Thursday in Georgia for allegedly beating a man at a Waffle House. Kid's sartorial tastes run in the lane of drawstring track pants, fur coats, cowboy hats and at least two strippers at all times, so you might call this an improvement. But seriously, he looks like a dweeb, a... a... help me out, thesaurus. Dolt, dork, fool, goober, goofball, jerk, oaf, techie, trekkie, weirdo, excessive studier (really, on that last one?). And he kind of knows it, too. He's all, "Check it, judge. To be honest, I don't know where I am. My tour bus driver, like, woke me up ten minutes ago and told me to put on his nephew's shirt. And as long as we're being straight man-to-man, I'm mad hungry and haven't had a lick of Belgian waffle yet. So if you could, let's just hurry this press conference along."

We here at Deal Divas would like to formally induct Kid Rock to the ranks of CELEBRITY COURT APPEARANCES FROM HELL.

Lindsay Lohan, 2010

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Purveyors of the popular culture will recall that this is when everyone's favorite child from the Parent Trap, after violating her probation on drug and alcohol charges, wisely came to court with "F___ YOU" drawn on her fingernail. She later said it was not intentional.  Listen, I've had my nails done approximately one billion times and never left with anything worse than "frickin."

Phil Spector, 2004

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Sweet corn Jesus, it's Sonic the Hedgehog! What did he do? Don't tell me he had cocaine in his jeans, too! Oh wait, that's just Phil Spector, being indicted for the murder of Lana Clarkson. Whew. Come to think of it, Spector might have also been charged with destroying the ozone.

Courtney Love, 2005

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That's right, Courtney. You're totally demure and sweet because you're wearing a glen plaid suit. And what's more, there's a scarf clear up to your neck! And you even accessorized with a lovely necklace that lays just perfectly in your... oh. Oh no. Bra... thing? Lace nightgown? Supportive athletic garment? Close. So close.

Lindsay Lohan AGAIN

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I know. It's SO BORING sitting in court, and sometimes it's stuffy and they don't turn the air conditioning on cool enough and whatever. Still, it's not really the time to, as they say in France, "let the puppies breathe." Her poor lawyer there on the right is clearly hanging on by a threadbare thread. You can practically hear her reciting, "I can do all things through Christ..."

Michael Jackson, 2005

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There are no words.

Deal Diva Stephanie

Photos: Times files

[Last modified: Friday, September 17, 2010 12:04am]

    

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