A photo diary, by Lady Gaga

Dear Diary Monster,

The MTV VMAs were tonight, and naturally, I swept the show. I mean that in the most literal sense, Dearest Book of Secrets. I swept the whole show with the bottom of my dress. That theater was unacceptably nasty. Popcorn kernels, sticky Mountain Dew puddles, long forgotten Xanax pills, those new pretzel M&Ms (delish, btw). By that Chelsea Handler creature's first racial joke, my skirt had a ferosh new hemline made of shop vac debris. And because I am committed to the cause of cleanliness throughout Greater Los Angeles, I took the liberty of hot gluing a golden feather duster in the center of my hairline. Most people ignore the ceiling fans, Great Monster Journal. But not Gaga.

By mid-show, I just needed to breathe, you know? That Alexander McQueen dress, while fabulousish, was strangling your poor Gagaloo of breath and life. But here was my conundrum, Pages of Trust.  My DIET. I had to figure out a way to simultaneously cool down AND maintain my daily optimum caloric burn (plus three pretzel M&Ms). My solution? A dress made entirely from plastic fitness sweat bags, yet cut dangerously low around the Junior Gagas. And since the earlier hot glue ripped out a track of my majesty tresses, I had no choice but to pull out my black spiked Mohawk. Yawn District of Columbia, I know. But what's a Mama Monster to do, Paper Trail Who Knoweth Me Best?  At least that young boy with all the teeth from the Glee program seems to approve of my artful cleavage.

OK, confession. I'm not being totally honest. You always reveal the realness of my heart, Diary BFF. Truth is, I couldn't stick to my diet. You try sitting two hours in a Hefty and see where it leaves you. I needed meat, and I needed it fast. I'm a red-blooded American girl from New York, after all. My Spiritual Mother Goddess Cher whispered that Ke$ha and that Bieber boy with the marmoset on his head were going to Jack in the Box with their agents, and believe me, I was tempted to join. But I cannot conform to FAST FOOD TENETS OF OPPRESSION, Journal of Justice. I needed to find iron supplements in a way that would inspire the youth to JUST BE THE YOUTH. And so it came to pass.

MEAT DRESS.

I'm going to bed now, Diary Who Loves Me For Me. Right after this court-ordered series of E. Coli testing.

Yours,

Lady Gaga

Deal Diva Stephanie

Photos: Getty