Live blog: Golden Globe fashion disasters
Award season, y'all! The Golden Globes are on, and I'm holding down the fash fort here at Diva Central (a.k.a., the couch), rocking a T-shirt from college and highwater yoga pants, stuffing cookies in my maw. This of course means I have no right to tease anyone, but I won't let a silly thing like that stop me.
A couple general observations:
A) As always, pale celebs have terrorized us by wearing shades of mother of pearl/ecru/oatmeal/grits a-go-go. This is a pet peeve. If you have all the melanin of a Dublin potato farmer, for cheese sake, choose an actual color. B) Pants suits everywhere! Glenn Close! Susan Sarandon! Hill Clint would be proud. C) Either it was really humid out, or "Bushy Mosquito Net Likely Coated With Malaria Residue" is Hairstyle Guide's 2009 answer to "The Rachel."
But enough. Let's get down to brass tacks before I run out of cookies! Without further adieu, here are the Deal Diva Golden Globe fashion disasters of the year! Click the photos to zoom your way to terror.
Renee Zellweger: "You're confused. You thought I'd show up in a Carolina Herrera mini dress looking sour of face. Well, I GOT THE BEST OF YOU. This, my friends, is a stolen number from the costume closet of my latest film, "The Witches of Eastwick Explore the Moulin Rouge," coming to a Blockbuster near you in 2010. What? Transparent? Scary smooth alien breasts? That's preposterous. Fie, fie and apple pie! A scoop of sea newt in your eye! A blast of fire ash in your... Oh, damn. It is see through. Where IS my stylist!? Ooh... that hex actually works? Does anyone have a mop?
Drew Barrymore: I don't totally hate this dress on Drew. She's done worse. But the whole thing -- the hair, the makeup, the guffaws... OK, you know like when you get all hot and ready to go out, and you feel fierce? You're so confident that you have three appletinis, maybe four? When "Soulja Boy" comes on, you scream and teach everyone the dance? Then you order one more appletini because life is short? Then you go to the bathroom to reapply your lipgloss, glance mirror-ward and OH, HOLY HELL *%&IF#W&UEY^&*&#$* BALLS!!! The night has taken its toll! That's the vibe I'm getting here.
STING: ACK! CALL THE POLICE! IT'S THAT CREEPY FRIEND OF MY DAD'S WHO HANGS AROUND THE HOUSE AND GIVES ME BAD STARES! What? That's beloved singer-songwriter Sting? Formerly of The Police? Well, that's ironic. What a relief. I really didn't want to fill out more paperwork.
Maggie Gyllenhaal: Oh, I don't know. I'm an avid supporter of leopard print, and the blue is kind of cheeky. But the whole silhouette makes me think "toilet paper roll." And her shoulder looks like it exploded in some terrible mining accident, thus disfiguring poor Maggie but gracing her with an inspirational story of survival. I feel like she knows it, too. Her general expression yearns for sweatpants and a wine cooler. I feel you, girl.
Cameron Diaz: "I will steal your soul, do you HEAR ME, JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE? Then I'll find your little girlfriend and STEAL HERS. Nobody will implicate me, because I've worn this pink bridal shower wrapping paper as a disguise to appear sweet. But when you least suspect, I will SUCK OUT YOUR LIFEBLOOD. Call me!"
Jennifer Lopez: I'm not mad at this. I just sort of think it's predictable. We've seen J.Lo rock the flashy, plunging double sided tape thing more times than we've seen the eppy of Friends where Ross dresses as the Holiday Armadillo. You know? But maybe I'm wrong. Old Marc "Grabby Mitts" Anthony there seems to like it.
Laura Dern: I love Laura Dern! Great actress, cute as a button, good sense of humor. Congrats on the win! Maybe there's a good explanation for this, er, dress. Hand-me-down from long lost third-great-cousin June Cleaver? Kicky tribute to hoop skirt architecture? Impending post-ceremony 8th grade Winter Wonderland dance? That's probably it.
Mickey Rourke: ...
I need to go to bed.
~ Deal Diva Stephanie
Photos: AP and Getty, Times files