MANTYHOSE: The Man Review!
Recently, Deal Divas brought you news of a craze sweeping the nubile gams of men the world over -- mantyhose! They've become a must-have for all kinds of dudes -- dude construction workers, dudes with poor circulation, dudes with bulging beer guts.
But we here at Deal Divas are about the full-on experience. Rather than stop at mild speculation, we enlisted St. Petersburg Times leggy pop music critic Sean Daly to test drive man-leggings in the flesh. Do they bunch? Itch? Are they slimming? Fierce and fabulous?
We ordered him a pair of Microfabric Full Support Pantyhose in jet black, $11.99 from legwear company Comfilon. Then, we documented his heartfelt journey of self-discovery -- the shrieking, the scowling, even the preening. The big conclusion? We owe him a Deal Diva Beer.
~ Deal Diva Stephanie
Sean goes into the dressing room with furrowed brow, resigned to his fate. Behind the door, he is heard cursing Deal Divas, mourning his career, wrestling the hose.
"This is terrible... I thought they'd be sturdier, like a Navy Seal suit. Which side is the front? Where does this panel go? They look like pantyhose!!"
Sean is reminded that they are.
"I thought they were supposed to be Terrell Owens stuff. Ow, they're tight! I don't think you bought the right size! Are they supposed to be all the way up? There's a pocket of air! I'm not quite sure... I've already got a run in the hose! There's a little hole! My legs do look kind of good, though."
Sean exits dressing room, dressed in a mercifully long football jersey, baseball cap, and, of course, mantyhose. He waddles around like a penguin.
"Every time I bend down, it's rolling off my belly. What's the next story? Thigh highs? I'm not feeling a lot of control in my naughty bits. I'm feeling a little give. I was hoping I'd feel more secure in my manhood."
Sean begins to strut. He's getting more comfortable.
"They do feel nice and cool. What causes the cooling effect? I thought they'd be a little darker. I do feel kind of slender in them. The Daly men are famous for not having an ass. I feel more pert! I would like a little more control in the groinal region. Maybe a Speedo effect?"
Sean considers wearing them for a whole day.
"No. Maybe if I was home alone."
Sean goes into dressing room and shuts door to de-hose. He is heard groaning.
"Looking in the mirror, I kind of feel like the guy from "Silence of the Lambs." Oh yeah, that's ugly. The taking off is an ugly process. I'll tell you one thing -- with the rolling down and the bunching toes and the air pocket -- they should come with instructions!"
Sean rustles through his bag.
"Oh, wait. They do."
Photo: Scott Keeler, Times staff. Cut-up Keeler entertained and mocked our model, setting up the studio lights while quipping, "Sean, you're overexposed!" Ba-dum-ba!