Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino has a tuxedo line. We are scared.
What's that they say about the Apocalypse? Famine, pestilence, lawlessness, The Situation's tuxedo line...
The end times are indeed upon us, friends. Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino landed a lucrative deal to be the spokesmodel for FLOW Formal Wear based out of -- where else? -- New Jersey. The company has used Facebook to slowly release photos of the oiled Jersey Shore lothario modeling a variety of shiny suits in front of a series of roaring fires, mid-quality bed sheets and leather furniture. A concerned woman hovers in the background of almost every shot, looking as if she just ate a plate of bad shrimp cocktail.
What must these women be thinking? Let us explore.
"So, I'm supposed to pretend this is our wedding night, right? Just checking, because I'm pretty sure this is one of those half-beds they use in JCPenney displays. Hey, I think his arms might be paralyzed. Should we, you know, call someone?"
"Right on his shoulder? I'm just going to kind of hover. Double check my contract, because I thought I had that no-touch clause. Whatever, I'm just going to do fingertips. Sort of a lobster claw. You can Photoshop the difference."
"Pass it, pass it, pass it, pass it, PASS IT NOOOOO, GOD, COME ON! WAY TO GET SACKED AGAIN, FREEMAN. Alright, time to rally, boys, and... hey, Abs McGee. Can you preen at the camera slightly to the right? The Bucs game is on."
"I really should have stayed in medical school."
"I saw this horror movie once where this girl focused all her telekinetic brain energy so hard at guys, she made their heads explode into a million tiny, bloody little pieces all over the floor. Hmm? Why do I bring it up? No reason."
"Me again. Still on the half-bed for Oompa Loompas. Should I make a Snooki joke now? Is that what you're expecting? Because honestly, I'm not in the best mood. My entire right leg is asleep, and I really think this guy is having some sort of embolism. I have concerns."
"I think open enrollment at the community college starts next week. Maybe there's still time."
Deal Diva Stephanie
Photos: FLOW Formal Wear Facebook
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