Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino has a tuxedo line. We are scared.
What's that they say about the Apocalypse? Famine, pestilence, lawlessness, The Situation's tuxedo line...
The end times are indeed upon us, friends. Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino landed a lucrative deal to be the spokesmodel for FLOW Formal Wear based out of -- where else? -- New Jersey. The company has used Facebook to slowly release photos of the oiled Jersey Shore lothario modeling a variety of shiny suits in front of a series of roaring fires, mid-quality bed sheets and leather furniture. A concerned woman hovers in the background of almost every shot, looking as if she just ate a plate of bad shrimp cocktail.
What must these women be thinking? Let us explore.
"So, I'm supposed to pretend this is our wedding night, right? Just checking, because I'm pretty sure this is one of those half-beds they use in JCPenney displays. Hey, I think his arms might be paralyzed. Should we, you know, call someone?"
"Right on his shoulder? I'm just going to kind of hover. Double check my contract, because I thought I had that no-touch clause. Whatever, I'm just going to do fingertips. Sort of a lobster claw. You can Photoshop the difference."
"Pass it, pass it, pass it, pass it, PASS IT NOOOOO, GOD, COME ON! WAY TO GET SACKED AGAIN, FREEMAN. Alright, time to rally, boys, and... hey, Abs McGee. Can you preen at the camera slightly to the right? The Bucs game is on."
"I really should have stayed in medical school."
"I saw this horror movie once where this girl focused all her telekinetic brain energy so hard at guys, she made their heads explode into a million tiny, bloody little pieces all over the floor. Hmm? Why do I bring it up? No reason."
"Me again. Still on the half-bed for Oompa Loompas. Should I make a Snooki joke now? Is that what you're expecting? Because honestly, I'm not in the best mood. My entire right leg is asleep, and I really think this guy is having some sort of embolism. I have concerns."
"I think open enrollment at the community college starts next week. Maybe there's still time."
Deal Diva Stephanie
Photos: FLOW Formal Wear Facebook
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Katie Sanders foolishly spurned pretty dresses and shoes as a child, tossing new clothes over her shoulder at birthday parties with a totally rude "no, thank you." Her drab days of monocolor outfits are over now, and she certainly knows better than to turn down free stuff. Her wardrobe mixes classic with quirk. Think blazers with statement necklaces, and lots of patterned ballet flats. She can be reached at 850) 224-7263 or 
Kameel Stanley has never encountered a thrift store she didn’t like. Her mother taught her that the true value of clothes isn’t how much they cost, but how many outfits one can create from them. Having grown up in Michigan, she was delighted to learn upon moving to Florida that she almost never needed to wear socks or boots again. There’s a lot of turnover in her closet, and she’s obsessed with dresses, necklaces and wedge heels. She can be reached at (727) 893-8643 or 
A disciple of the little black dress classics school, Letitia Stein stretches her budget by looking for styles with staying power. She lives for 80 percent off shoes at DSW, floral sundresses and bohemian chic tops. She confesses to being a bit of a snob when it comes to handbags and jewelry. She can be reached at (813) 226-3400 or 
From camo pants and construction boots to sundresses, sweaters and sling backs, Keyonna Summers knows how to make all of it rock -- at rock bottom prices. A Detroit native, Keyonna delves into her urban roots to find fashion pairings that give a nod to street fashion while maintaining the class of the modern, professional woman. She believes in searching for affordable clothes that look expensive and can easily be dressed up or down. You won't find plaid shirts or fleece jackets in her closet; the only hiking Keyonna does is to the bargain basement. She can be reached at (727) 445-4153 or 
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