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Deal Divas

Stephanie Hayes, Katie Sanders, Kameel Stanley, & Keyonna Summers

Oscars red carpet wrap up -- Cate and Reese and Halle, oh my!

28

February

What did everyone think of the garb last night? How's your cookie hangover? How big are the bags under your eyes? For a full recap of our punchiness, check out the reply of the live chat. Now, let's review a few dresses.

Halle Berry in Marchesa

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Even though we have an aversion to all-nude dresses for these events, the Divas basically all loved this. Maybe because it's the combination of all our childhood dreams. Bride, Olympic ice skater, ballroom dancer, garden nymph, angel, Barbie doll, Cinderella and cupcake. Total win. We also agreed the Halle Berry is the most beautiful woman in the world and that she never ages and probably has a pact with the devil in which an oil pastel rendering of her turns into a hideous demon monster while she stays perfect. I also feel like this is more a streamlined and fitted look than we usually see from Marchesa, and I likey. No taffeta rosebuds.

Anne Hathaway in vintage Valentino

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Speaking of taffeta... I sort of love this. Anne's bustle is awesome in an ugly stepsisters extreme makeover kind of way. The color is great, and she showed the skeptics she’s not just a kid by wearing vintage. Slam! However, from the front, it doesn't appear to fit her quite right, and Deal Diva Emily pointed out that you can see her Spanx line, which makes us die a slow death inside. Deal Diva Letitia noted that it's sad when a dress from 1981 becomes "vintage" and "archival." We grow more elderly with each passing breath. Footnote: We are gravely concerned for Valentino's skin condition. Cocoa butter, baby, stat.

Natalie Portman in Rodarte

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It would have been super tempting for preggo Natalie to show up in a pair of yoga pants, an L.A. Lakers jersey and a Scrunchie. But she still managed to look glowy and glam. The purple is so rich and luscious, I want to wear it every day. Deal Diva Kim said Nat's earrings reminded her of graduation tassels, and we're all getting a tad tired of the matchy-matchy wedding Dyeable things the famous ones have been doing for the past couple seasons. But overall, she kicks our butts and takes our names. When we're pregnant, we'll probably look like Large Marge after a Jell-O pudding binge. So. No room to talk.

Cate Blanchett in Givenchy Couture

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Oh, holy ghost in heaven, where to begin? Letitia said Cate wore placemats. My boyfriend said she looked like one of those paper dolls with the little arm tabbies that you fold over. This is confusing. I know it's supposed to be structural and art deco and whatever, but it makes her look like a linebacker who is late to a spring wedding. Moreover, I am concerned about the massive hoop encircling her girl parts like a rising summer sun. Framing your rack is so 1990s. Aside from that, it’s totally subtle.

Melissa Leo in Marc Bouwer

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Several jokes were made about this dress, including one about her masquerading as Michael Jackson in Captain Eo. But the operative word of the night was "doily." My theory is that she tripped on a banana peel on her way out the door, fell onto her grandmother’s dining room table and got rolled helplessly inside a lace doily. But then she was like, "It kind of works, right?” Dude. No. You make our eyes rain. And aside from that, did her tailor come down with diphtheria right before the show? This thing does not fit, not even a little.

Gwyneth Paltrow in Calvin Klein Collection

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This is so Calvin Klein, is it not? Although we are desperate that Gwyneth please stop singing on awards shows, we loved this little number. She looks casual and sleek and shiny, like a really awesome tinfoil leftovers container from Arigato. And Academy Award statues are overrated, especially when you can just dress like one without all the politics and campaigning. We’re thinking of dressing in solid gold for our next trip to get toothpaste from Target.

Amy Adams in L'Wren Scott

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Thoughts were mixed on this one. Amy is completely cute, although she came off a little icy in her red carpet interviews. Dude, it's the host of THE BACHELOR. He's not going to ask you anything uncomfortable, so just simmer down. But that's neither here nor there. I am obsessed with this color and the sheer amount of sparkle, but it's a lot going on all around her neck. It's like a rerun of Dynasty, a scene from Titanic and a wig from the costume closet of Chicago. Pick one, you know? She should be applauded for daring to try a cap sleeve, though, because that's hard for even Olive Oyl to pull off. Anyway, her husband there seems to like it. He's so GRABBY.

Mila Kunis in Elie Saab

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Dang, this girl is pretty. Letitia called her color choice bold. It was indeed refreshing to see lavender on the red carpet. It played well against her dark smolder, and the lace draped very nicely. But. Um. Ok, someone on the live chat said she was wearing lace pasties, and I can't disagree. Honey, it’s February! Your Black Swans need the warm comfort of a little more fabric. Try a polar fleece, or a cozy scarf! Somewhere a Wilmer Valderrama is leering, and that's just not OK.

Jennifer Hudson in Versace

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Concern spread among the Divas that Jennifer Hudson, though admirably getting healthy, might be shrinking beyond recognition. We'd like to offer her a hot buttered roll in solidarity. Anyway, that coral color is simply showstopping. I mean, win, win, win. The silhouette is a touch prom, though, and when she turned in certain directions, her boobs ventured into stormy territory. I called it under-boob, but Emily called it inner-boob. Either way, it makes us reach for our smelling salts and blotting papers.

Reese Witherspoon in Georgio Armani Prive

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For our grand finale, we bring you the Deal Diva moment of the night. Here's Reese in a dress. Yeah, whatever, it's black and white and fine. But what really got our goat was the hair. I'm not lying to you when I say that almost exactly simultaneously, Emily, Kim and I all said something to the tune of "she's wearing a ponytail that you buy at the mall kiosk." It's like we were in perfect snark mind-meld harmony, and those are the moments I will cherish for a lifetime. Thank you, Reese. Thank you.

Deal Diva Stephanie

Photos: AP

[Last modified: Sunday, November 13, 2011 9:23pm]

    

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