Happy New Year! It's 2009! You know what that means? It means you're standing in front of the bathroom mirror pinching back fat, wondering when your life turned into "Big Momma's House 16: Touch My Mint Milanos And I'll Stab You Dead."

I joined the gym after Thanksgiving to correct The Great Gravy Situation of 2008. I hate working out, but I hate dieting more. So in order to avoid turning into that guy from "Se7en" who eats himself to death, this is my fate.

Since returning to the gym, I've learned a few things: Lil' Wayne is a great personal trainer; the interval setting on the elliptical wants to paralyze me; I will never learn to balance on a ball. Also, I've learned how to dress. For all you readers Googling "saddlebags," (you know who you are), here are some fashion tips to compliment your hot-bodied New Year's resolution.

1. Inseam matters: It took one go-round with the hip abductor (for musical theater geeks, "number 17, the spreadeagle") to realize my old school Soffes of Yore wouldn't cut it. I found my fave workout pants at Old Navy for $10. They're knee-length sweatpants -- perfect for the spreadeagle in a gym full of men, but still fitted and adorable.

2. Raccoon eyes: Some people are steadfast opponents of makeup in the gym. While I don't slather on lipstick, I always like to wear mascara. And fact is, you're gonna rub your sweaty face around minute 34 when you start thinking maybe the glutton from "Se7ven" was just "Rubenesque." Waterproof up.

3. "Mommy, why is she spotty?": Heather gray shows every drop of, er, lady glow. To downplay disgusting back sweat, opt for dark shades like black or navy, or super-light like white.

4. Girls in peril: Do yourself a solid and invest in good sports bras. Does this need explaining? Didn't think so. Here's a great about.com article detailing their top ten picks. Like a good Deal Diva, hold out for a sale. For instance, the Lily of France La Technologie bra is marked down to $18 at Kohls. Don't forget off-price staples like TJ Maxx and Ross.

5. Resist the splurge: You don't need to drop $300 at a sporting goods store. Check Target and Walmart for some great activewear on the cheap. Dig through your own stuff. That pile of tank tops you never wear? Consider it your new bicep collection.

You've worked hard. Now it's time for entertainment. I present to you... Number 17 -- the Spreadeagle!

~ Deal Diva Stephanie

Photo: The divine Miss Somers from asseenontv.com, where you can still buy a ThighMaster!