Here's some Met Ball galactic fan fiction, because why not?
If you're seeing a lot of photos today of celebrities wearing head-to-toe space armor, it's because Monday night was the Met Ball. Officially, it was the "Manus x Machina: Fashion In An Age Of Technology" Costume Institute Gala at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Anna Wintour's annual party always has a theme, and this year it was the melding of man and machine. That mostly meant everyone wore a lot of Balmain.
As I watched these photos flow in, I just kept thinking, "This would make some bomb Met Ball fan fiction." I'm still looking into the availablity of metballfanfic.angelfire.net.tv, but I think we can at least get started with character profiles. I'm tentatively calling it Heavy Metal Hannah and the Industrial Glamour Complex. It involves a young worker robot who exists only to manufacture high-heeled shoes in a futuristic factory. Hannah accidentally stumbles on an alternate dimension in which her brethren are allowed to develop a sense of ego and set out in the perilous pursuit of celebrity. I'm not sure what happens in the dramatic arc yet, but it definitely ends with our robot heroine wearing the very industrial stilettos she was once forced to produce on a factory line. My elevator pitch is Kinky Boots meets Blade Runner.
Let's cast it.
HEAVY METAL HANNAH, played by Taylor Swift
Hannah was created in a factory, not unlike the one where she now stands day after day soldering four-inch heels onto thigh-high galactic fashion space boots. Each day she reports to her post. She feels nothing. She knows very little about her galactic overlord, Empress Insole, only that the leader is a good provider. Then one day on a lunch break, she accidentally receives an injection of DIET COKE instead of her typical low octane petrol. And everything has changed (see what we did there?).
EMPRESS INSOLE, played by Lady Gaga, featuring Allegra Versace Beck and Donatella Versace as her galactic henchmen
Empress Insole rules the Planet Stiletron with an iron heel. She is cold and calculating but never betrays her true intentions to those beneath her. She has an interdimensional closet of embellished bodysuits, and an insatiable thirst for power.
PRINCESS LEMONADE, played by Beyonce
Once Heavy Metal Hannah gets her Diet Coke infusion, she travels into the 14th dimension, Celebutarium, in which fame is a reality and individuality is praised. She meets a beautiful princess, who, legend has it, has the back of every robot in the kingdom and will stop at nothing to twirl on her haters. She wears a dress made of the skin of someone named "Becky" who once crossed her. (I cannot take any credit for that joke, Katie send me an Instagram DM last night saying that Bey was wearing Becky and her teeth as confetti.)
LADY STARFIGHTER, played by Katy Perry
Starfighter is an enigma in Celebutarium, shunned and lonely, but therefore full of scrap and sticktoitiveness. People think she's bad because she wears a black gown adorned with goods stolen from the Galactic Caverns of Gold. But she's really just looking to be loved. And she's mean with the stick shift on a Z-Fighter 12,000. She and Heavy Metal Hannah will become best friends, but not before recording alternating pop tracks decrying one another in a sequence of narrative tension. Note: Research possible marketing tie-ins with iTunes, The Voice, etc...
KIM KARDASHIAN WEST AND KANYE WEST, played by Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West: Heavy Metal Hannah is entranced by the freedom of the dimension Celebutarium, until she meets Kim and Kanye at the Canis Major Cantina and Brazilian Blowout Boutique. Something feels off to Hannah, the way everyone is idolzing them and yet they just seem to stand there. Doing. Nothing. Is celebrity the path to true robot enlightenment, or is Hannah doomed to feel nothing past her gears and tears? Kanye West's arm falls off, proving that there is an end to all life, even when the time-space continuum seems to suggest Keeping up with the Kardashians will continue into infinity, or at least Season 474.
VERONICA ASTRONOMICA, played by Lupita Nyong'o
A symbol of all that is good and light in the land of robots, Hannah meets her long-lost sister, whose dress seems to flow in a land where nothing else flows but pain. They have been separated at birth and their lives have played out in vastly different ways. But they always... just... had... a feeling. She and Hannah team up to return to the Planet Stiletron and defeat Empress Insole, with Lady Starfighter behind the wheel of the spaceship. They are all knighted by Princess Lemonade. They perform a ceremonial dance in the factory stilettos.
A MYSTERIOUS FIGURE WHO SHOWS UP AFTER THE CREDITS, played by Anna Wintour