Look inside the $80,000 gift bag for Oscar's 'losers'
Think back to a time you lost a contest, and then think about what happened immediately after. I'll go first. One time, I lost a part in a school play and spent 4th period crying in a restroom stall while other girls stood on the toilets to smoke. By 5th period, I realized the intrinsic reward in defeat and carried on.
It's the same kind of thing when you're a celebrity. It's just a really humble world full of realistic expectations and results, of spirited competition based in gratitude for just being considered, of really just appreciating the simple HAHAHA OH, WAIT, NO IT'S NOT.
The "unlucky" luminaries who lose their Academy Award to someone else Sunday will walk away with gift bags valued at $80,000 each. That's not a misprint. It includes everything from vacations to shoes to pepper spray to condoms. Luxury ones, of course.
The swag is presented by L.A. company Distinctive Assets. We got a peek inside the bags this year, at the list of items and certificates the poor saps get to take home, along with their estimated values. The moral of the story? There is no moral, except that losing sucks less when you are famous, and maybe find a more sanitary place to cry other than a bathroom stall.
Here's what's in the bag:
Chocolatines savory wine-infused chocolates, $80: I have a version of this at home. It's called, rip open bag of chocolate chips and alternate between sips of Publix bogo Merlot.
Rocky Mountaineer, $50: A trip on a train through western Canada. This voucher is totally getting regifted to Fassbender's nephew.
Max Martin shoes, $750: SHOES, SHOES, SHOES, IT IS ABOUT TIME, SHOES.
Slow watches, $290: Swiss watches with only one hand on a 24-hour dial, claims to "remind its wearer to take time for the essential things in life, and not be rushed by minutes or seconds." If you're Leonardo DiCaprio, that means take time, select the best supermodel, do not rush.
Dosha Pops, $35: Herbal tea candy company that caters to alternative medicine Ayurveda with proceeds going to wellness-type charities. CELEBRITIES LOVE THIS STUFF.
Blossom Blends, $49.95: "Bespoke" collection of tea blended in Australia. I did not know tea could be "bespoke." Hollywood teaches us so much.
Steamist Total Sense home spa system, $2,560: Shower stuff! Fun! Includes wireless audio to drown out the sounds of "TAKE A LOOK AT ME NOWWWWW."
Narrative Clip, $279: This is a tiny automatic camera and app that acts as a searchable photographic memory. Also can be used to describe pithy writing, as in, "He took that subplot at a really fast narrative clip."
Hydroxycut, $38.96: LOLOLOLOLOL. Please tell me Dame Judi Dench pops Hydroxycut gummies on her yacht.
Polar Loop, $109.95: A 24/7 activity tracker. Tracks Jennifer Lawrence as she moves from merely likeable to surefire elected official.
Jitseu handbags, $279: PURSE, PURSE, PURSE, IT IS ABOUT TIME, PURSE.
Rouge Maple, $280: Yep, hundreds of dollars worth of maple syrup, salad dressings and mustards. Mustard shots are about to pop off at the Vanity Fair after party.
Huntley Drive Fitness, $850: Package of 10 personal training sessions, for Dame Judi Dench after she finishes the Hydroxycut gummies and is totally in beast mode.
Acupuncture, $500: A session with "celebrity acupuncturist" Heather Lounsbury. Quick, kids, tell your guidance counselor that you have changed your mind on law school and this is the job you want.
Slimware, $59: Dinnerware that helps you eat smaller portions. Lots of weight loss going on here. I thought celebs had that covered, but maybe they're always in the market for new methods.
M3K Beauty, $100: Skin products, hooray, will gladly accept regift from Uncle Chiwetel.
Aviv 613 vodka, $30: YEEEAAAH, BOYYYY, MUSTARD SHOTS WITH VODDY.
Jan Lewis Designs, $400: Bracelets made from lightweight wood shapes and hand painted by Fair Trade artisans. Sounds super fun and pretty.
Le PeTiT CiRqUe, $575: Aerial lessons and more from a circus starring kiddos. Stars of Gravity need not apply.
Imanta resorts, $3,300: A resort stay in Ocean Casa, a 2,500-square-foot suite with an ocean view. Because, guys, movie stars really have to find time to relax.
Koala Landing Resort, $2,000: 5 nights on the south shore of Kauai. See above.
Makeup by Diane Capt, $105: Organic products including "Wonder Glow" lipgloss, for superheroic smooching.
Simon's Happy Pet Shampoo, $15: For dogs that refuse to fly coach.
Bee Free Honee, $39: Made from apples, not from bees, so the bees can be frees and we can have world peeees.
Betty Jane candies, $69.75: Delicious things covered in more delicious things.
Cannonball Wine Company, $60: Vinnnnooooo, *hic*.
Acure Organics, $300: Skin, body and haircare line based on sciencey things like skin regeneration.
The Green Garmento, $23: Reusable garment bags, sure to be a hit with the Prius driving set in Hollywood.
Mane 'n Tail, $95.35: We all had a friend in middle school who was kind of exotic and rode horses and had cool leather boots and knew the secret to great hair was horse-human crossover product Mane 'n Tail, and then we all made our moms buy it for us. Didn't we all? No?
Hisy, $24.99: Bluetooth camera shutter remote for Apple products, helping stars take hands-free selfies and look even better than they already do, great.
Epic Pet Health, $1,571.98: Electrolyte therapy for your pet. My pet would be interested, if it was coated in peanut butter.
CoolWay, $120: A fancy hair dryer, a good contender to end up beneath the Christmas tree of Amy Adams' third cousin.
Vetvik, $230: Luxe leather case for an iPhone. It better be for the price, remarked a crotchety non-famous person with no money.
Mace, $120: Yes! An actual pepper spray! Hot pink for her, and camo for him, because it is important to have appropriate gender roles when warding off attackers.
Gizara Arts, $5,000: A gift certificate for nominees to select from a vast collection of fine art paintings, drawings and photographs. For real, that sounds pretty fun.
Wrag Wrap, $15: "Luxury sustainable gift wrap." The classy version of your aunt who made you carefully untape all presents and refold the paper for future use and/or scrapbooking.
Drainwig, $6.49: Guys, at this point things are getting a little weird, yet strangely useful. This is a thing that prevents hair from clogging the drain.
Krystal Klear Water, $4,895: A whole house water filtration system. To ease the pain of losing. Sigh.
Headspace, $500: A lifetime subscription to "the world's first gym membership for the mind," after Dame Judi Dench decides chasing after the perfect body is a futile effort and she needs to self-actualize.
Naked luxury condoms, $20: Presented without commentary.
The O-Shot procedure, $2,700: "The O-Shot procedure by Dr. Charles Runels... rejuvenates and enhances the genital tissue of a woman." I need a drink.
Dr. Yates Hair Science, $16,000: Yes, that is 16 THOUSAND, and it is hair transplants. Because of course it is.
Best of Las Vegas, $9,000: Goodies including tickets to Chippendales, Boyz II Men, Terry Fator and more, cupcakes, cookies, and a voucher for Hash House A Go Go, which I can tell you from experience is a heart attack waiting to happen, but a super fun one.
Walk Japan, $15,000: Off the beaten path walking tours in Japan. Can you imagine if Bradley Cooper popped up in your tour group with a fanny pack? Also, this is internet fiction waiting to happen. Also, it may already be in progress.