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Turns out Gwyneth Paltrow is no vagina expert

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To become a full-blown Goop goddess, one must steam her lady parts, as lifestyle guru Gwyneth Paltrow recommended in a recent post that details the glories of (real thing) vaginal spas.

The 42-year-old Oscar winner said she’s wild about the treatment her mini Goop received at Tikkun Spa in Santa Monica.

“The real golden ticket here is the Mugworth V-Steam,” Paltrow wrote. “You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al.”

Dear lord. Your uterus, et al?!

She went on: “It is an energetic release — not just a steam douche — that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in L.A., you have to do it.”

We’ll be sure to put that on our to-do list, right behind stepping in front of an 18-wheeler piloted by a blindfolded Amanda Bynes.

In response, since Gwyneth can’t say or do anything without someone saying she’s wrong — and in this case that someone is a board certified Los Angeles-based OB/Gyn and expert in vulvovaginal disorders — Dr. Jen Gunter wrote on her blog that “steam is probably not good for your vagina. Herbal steam is no better and quite possibly worse.” …

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Prosecutor rejects Lindsay Lohan’s community service

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Color us amazed. Lindsay Lohan has completed all 240 hours of her community service on time.

But, let’s all curb our surprise for a second because a judge has set a hearing for Feb. 18 in her wreckless-driving case after a prosecutor called her out for not fulfilling the obligation in a legit manner, or even at all.

According to the Associated Press, Santa Monica Chief Deputy City Attorney Terry White said court documents show Lohan completed 80 hours in nine days, all while she was being treated for an illness.

To make things worse, TMZ is reporting that Lohan got credit for 18 hours of meeting and greeting fans after her play and 70 hours for letting people follow her around for “work shadowing experience” — while she wasn’t even working.

Lohan’s attorney, Shawn Holley, says the Mean Girls star just did what her London community service organization told her to do. If Lohan didn’t complete her hours by the deadline, there’s a possibility she could face jail time.

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Stanley Tucci welcomes son to 'cold, cruel world'

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My, Hunger Games actor Stanley Tucci sure did keep it creepily real when announcing the birth of his child this week. Tucci and wife Felicity Blunt welcomed their first kid together, son Matteo Oliver, in London on Sunday.

“I believe he is mine. We are all thrilled to welcome him to this cold, cruel world,” Tucci joked in a statement to Us Weekly. “We are all thrilled that he is here and healthy.”

The couple announced in October that the Devil Wears Prada star and Blunt, a literary agent — and sister to new mom and John Krasinski’s wife Emily Blunt — were expecting. This is the first child for Blunt and the fourth for Tucci, dad to daughter Camilla, 12, and twins Nicolo and Isabel, 14. May the odds be ever in their favor.

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Lil Wayne sues Cash Money

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There’s quite a tiff coming to a head over at Cash Money Records. Lil Wayne is suing the label for $51 million and hopes to get out of his contract but retain the rights to music released under his Young Money imprint.

According to TMZ, the lawsuit claims CEO Bryan “Birdman” Williams hasn’t paid Weezy all of what he’s owed for his yet-to-be-released Tha Carter V, which would lead one to believe he shouldn't be bound by his contract any longer. Lil Wayne also is asking to be named joint copyright holder to everything released under Young Money, including tracks by Drake and Nicki Minaj.

In December, Lil Wayne tweeted, “I want off this label,” calling himself a prisoner. His album, originally due in May, was delayed until December, but that didn’t pan out either. So, just last week, Weezy released a mixtape, Sorry 4 the Wait 2.

The lyrics to his song S--- (Remix): “Did my time at Cash Money, time served and released. But this agent ain’t free, word, that’s the word on these streets.”

The lyrics to his song CoCo: “Cash Money is an army, I’m a one-man army. And if them n------ comin’ for me, I’m goin’ out like Tony. Now I don’t want no problems, I just want my money.” …

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J. Cole: You get a house and you get a house and you get a house!

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Rapper J. Cole recently returned to North Carolina to buy his childhood home at 2014 Forrest Hills Drive, which also happens to be the name of his third album. But the house his mother lost to foreclosure when he was a kid won’t end up on an episode of Cribs. Instead, J. Cole is hoping to turn the place into a rent-free haven for single moms.

“So every two years a new family will come in, they live rent-free,” he said on the latest episode of Combat Jack. “The idea is that it’s a single mother with multiple kids, and she’s coming from a place where all her kids is sharing a room. She might have two, three kids, they’re sharing a room. She gets to come here rent-free. I want her kids to feel how I felt when we got to the house.”

Only problem: Every weirdo on the Internet and beyond now knows exactly where to go to creep on single women and their kids.

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2Chainz 4Mayor

AP

After 2Chainz kept it persuasively real during a recent marijuana discussion with Nancy Grace, the rapper is considering running for mayor of his hometown of College Park, Ga.

“I am looking forward to running at the end of this year or next year," he told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution on Monday. "[I’m] waiting to see if I meet all of the qualifications!”

2 Chainz (real name: Tauheed Epps) was a stellar student at Alabama State, but he’s repeatedly been arrested for felony narcotics possession, which some might consider a no-no. If he does run, he’ll be up against Jack Longino, who’s held the post for almost two decades.

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Emile Hirsch accused of assaulting female film executive at Sundance

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Something strange went down at Sundance Film Festival and now Emile Hirsch is being accused of assaulting a woman — a female executive at Paramount Pictures, to be exact.

The Into the Wild actor is said to have attacked and choked Dani Bernfeld during Sunday’s wee hours, according to Page Six. The incident went down at Tao Nightclub in Park City, Utah, where Hirsch was promoting his film, Ten Thousand Saints, of which he does not appear to be one.

A witness says Hirsch “was aggressively picking on Dani” then became angry and “even more aggressive and aggro,” which are one and the same. He allegedly shoved Bernfeld into a table and put her in a “chokehold.”

The cops were called, and Hirsch “calmly waited for the police to arrive, and spoke with them until around 5 a.m.” No arrests were made, and police are still investigating to determine if charges will be filed.

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Mark Hoppus, Travis Barker of Blink-182: Tom DeLonge is a lying quitter

But we thought they were the best of raglan-loving friends!

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But we thought they were the best of raglan-loving friends!

Pop-punk wannabe skater girls of the early 2000s, weep, for your askew hat-wearing overlords have taken off their studded bracelets and are partaking in a full-on cat fight over the Interwaves.

Two-thirds of Blink-182 released a statement on Monday saying founding member Tom DeLonge had “indefinitely” left the band he started in his garage. This after years of in-fighting and a promised album that has yet to be recorded.

In the statement, Mark Hoppus and Travis Barker announced that Tom was out and Alkaline Trio’s Matt Skiba would serve as frontman during their upcoming set at Musink Festival. DeLonge responded on Instagram, saying he “never quit the band,” which propmpted Mark and Travis to answer back in an interview with Rolling Stone.

In the Q&A, Mark and Travis say Tom agreed to record a new Blink album only if they signed with a label. So everyone did a ton of work to make that happen, and finally the guys were set to hit the studio on Jan. 5. But, on New Year’s Eve, Tom’s manager said he wanted to focus on his endeavors outside of music. …

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James Caan files for divorce from fourth wife for the third time

AP

Who knows if he’s bluffing this time around, but James Caan has filed for divorce from his fourth wife, Linda... again.

If you feel like you’ve heard that before, it’s because this is the third time the 74-year-old actor has filed for divorce from his spouse of 19 years. According to People, the Godfather star is seeking to terminate financial support for Linda. The couple worked things out the last two times this went down, first in 2005 and again in 2009.

The Caans share two sons, James, 19, and Jacob, 16. James Caan is seeking joint custody of Jacob.

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Sam Smith owes Tom Petty royalties for 'Stay With Me'

Tom Petty, left, and Sam Smith.

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Tom Petty, left, and Sam Smith.

Man, we thought we were going nuts every time Tom Petty’s I Won’t Back Down got stuck in our heads after listening to Sam Smith’s Stay With Me, but now it all makes total sense.

Petty and Jeff Lynne’s names have been added to the song’s writing credits because the similarities between the tracks are too great to ignore. The Grammy-nominated song’s chorus follows the same chord progression as I Won’t Back Down.

“Recently the publishers for the song I Won’t Back Down, written by Tom Petty and Jeff Lynne, contacted the publishers for Stay With Me, written by Sam Smith, James Napier and William Phillips, about similarities heard in the melodies of the choruses of the two compositions,” Smith’s rep told Rolling Stone in a statement. “Not previously familiar with the 1989 Petty/Lynne song, the writers of Stay With Me listened to I Won’t Back Down and acknowledged the similarity.”

Say what? Who doesn’t know that song?

The rep said the likeness is a “complete coincidence” and that the parties involved “came to an immediate and amicable agreement.” …

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Colombia: Home of the most ideal fembot in all the cosmos

Miss Universe, Paulina Vega of Colombia

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Miss Universe, Paulina Vega of Colombia

In case you had better things to do on Sunday night — and we certainly hope you did — we’re here to tell you that Miss Colombia, Paulina Vega, was crowned the most desirable never-married, childless, female walker and question-answerer between the ages of 18 and 27, in all existing matter and space.

The 22-year-old business administration student hailing from her hometown of Barranquilla — the native land of Shakira and Sofia Vergara — destroyed the hopes of finalists from the United States, Jamaica, the Netherlands and Ukraine when she nabbed the title of Miss Universe in Miami.

But the pageant wasn’t without its controversy. When Miss Colombia was crowned, the audience erupted into boos and the super-clever hashtag #MissJamaicaShouldHaveWon started trending on Twitter.

The family of Miss Jamaica, Kaci Fennell, is crying foul, saying she obviously was robbed because of her Halle Berry pixie cut.

“If short hair is a problem, why didn’t they say so in the contest,” asked Miss Jamaica’s grandfather, Michael Fennell, adding that Kaci fell victim to “unwritten factors,” according to the Daily Mail. …

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One of these things is not like the others

Goldie Hawn, Donatella Versace and Kate Hudson: A Cautionary Tale.

AP

Goldie Hawn, Donatella Versace and Kate Hudson: A Cautionary Tale.

Kate Hudson got all dressed up for a big night out at Madame Tussaud’s in Paris this weekend. Oh, wait, this just in: Those aren’t two wax figures she’s standing next to. They’re silicone creations Goldie Hawn and Donatella Versace.

The trio posed together as they arrived for the Atelier Versace Spring-Summer 2015 Haute Couture fashion show, which kicked off Fashion Week on Sunday. Hudson’s Versace body con dress was the talk of the evening, its daring cutouts revealing the Fabletics creator’s toned derriere — and so much more.

Hudson has been nearly inseparable from her mother — except when gallivanting around Hollywood with Dancing With the Stars pro Derek Hough — ever since she and Muse frontman Matt Bellamy announced their split last year.

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Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams are getting divorced

Untangled.

AP

Untangled.

She asked When Will My Life Begin? and now Mandy Moore has her answer.

The 30-year-old actress/singer/Disney princess is divorcing Ryan Adams, 40, who we hear also is a singer. Adams did the honor of filing the paperwork, People reports, so at least we know chivalry isn’t completely dead.

“Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams have mutually decided to end their marriage,” her rep said in a statement. “It is a respectful, amicable parting of ways and both Mandy and Ryan are asking for media to respect their privacy at this time.”

The couple wed six years ago in Savannah, Ga., just one month after getting engaged. They have zero kids, so at least there’s that.

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Attention everybody: Patrick 'McDreamy' Dempsey is back on the market

Gee. Who ever could have seen this coming?

AP

Gee. Who ever could have seen this coming?

So Close.

Patrick Dempsey and his wife of 15 years are calling it quits. The 49-year-old Grey’s Anatomy (and Enchanted — can’t forget Enchanted) star and makeup artist Jillian Fink are finally tired of looking at the other’s face every morning.

Said the couple in a statement to People: “It is with careful consideration and mutual respect that we have decided to end our marriage. Our primary concern remains the wellbeing of our children, and we ask with profound gratitude that you respect our family’s privacy at this very sensitive time.”

Yes, the pair forever will be unable to escape one another as the parental unit of Tallulah Fyfe, 12, and twins Patrick and Darby Galen, 7.

Dempsey was racing at the 24 Hours of Daytona endurance event this weekend when Fink filed the divorce papers. The actor tried to keep a low profile, as evidence by his no-show at the autograph session for fans — an event he usually doesn’t miss. He also was absent on the starting grid and hinted that some big changes might be on the way. …

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Ian Somerhalder, Nikki Reed engaged after just 6 months

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It’s a match made in vampire heaven: Nikki Reed and Ian Somerhalder are getting married.

After six months of dating, “she accepted with glee,” an insider tells Us Weekly. “She is madly in love.”

The Vampire Diaries actor and Twilight actress first stepped out together in July, and their whirlwind romance has been heating up ever since.

Says another source: “They were friends before, the groundwork had been laid before. They had always been attracted to each other, but always in another relationship. It may seem quick, but they knew it was right. They believe in the same things. They are dedicated to their work and helping others.”

Three weeks after they started dating, the couple moved in together in Atlanta, Ga., and became the proud parents of two horses, Eagle and Millie. Wedding rumors began heating up last month after Somerhalder was seen ring shopping at Neil Lane.

“Ian bought a vintage diamond eternity band for Nikki,” an insider said. “It’s not a typical engagement ring but actually a wedding band you purchase for when you get married.” …

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