The completely useless Juice* Oscar liveblog ...
The gang from Timesland is blogging the pros and cons of people winning or losing, but we here at The Juice* look at the Oscars as more than just a celebrity bloodsport. There's a huge chance someone's going to swear, lose their temper, say something dumb or pop out of their dress, and that's what we live for. So if you've got nowhere better to go, spend the evening with Technorati's 69,101st most popular blog on the Internet!
Keep refreshing ... we're updating at least three or four times tonight.
11:48: Denzel Washington seems pretty no-nonsense here, presenting No Country with Best Picture. The brothers didn't even bother leaving the stage. We cry shenanigans. But then, maybe we should keep that to ourselves, lest Anton Chigurh come after us. And with that, we bid you good night.
11:43: The Coen Brothers win best director(s) for No Country For Old Men, but there won't be any drama in this race for years, since presenter Martin Scorsese won. Ethan Coen does get props for having the shortest acceptance speech ever though, twice saying simply, "Thank you."
11:36: Daniel Day-Lewis drinks everyone milkshake by winning best actor. He says something about saplings sprouting out of heads and gets a lot longer to talk than everyone else.What are the chances we'll ever finish one of these by midnight?
11:27: Diablo Cody won, and that rocks. Hollywood loves an ex-stripper.
11:14: There's actually some class in the Oscars tonight. First Jon Stewart lets that best song co-winner come back onstage after not getting to say anything, and now they're letting soldiers present the award for best documentary short subject. We take back some of the things we said about Hollywood. Not really.
11:03: Aw, the dead people part always makes us sad. Plus, it reminds us Roy Scheider just died.
10:53: Zzzzzz ... snorgkx* Oh, a song won? Great, now we can get to the good stuff.
10:31: Wow, lots of songs and boring categories. Jonny sums it up when he says, "Someone took the lead in their Oscar pool, based on a guess." Come on, who really knows who the best editor was? That's like trying to pick out the best burger-maker at McDonalds, with most of the dreck that gets churned out.
10:14: We're moving fast and furious here. Leading actress already? It's not 11 p.m. yet. Ellen Page got a big swell from the audience there, but Marion Cotillard wins best in show here, too. Apaprently we're over that whole Marisa Tomei debacle. "It is true there is some angels in this city" will be a big quote on Oscar montages until the 160th anniversary of the Academy Awards.
10:08: It's straight hateful that last guy for sound mixing had his microphone turned off, but as a colleague points out, they're just lucky they didn't get shoved into that "in awards that happened earlier this week" section.
10:01: Stewart is keeping the show fresh by announcing Angelina Jolie has won Nicole Kidman's, Jessica Alba's and Cate Blanchett's babies. Of course, Angie couldn't be there because, as Jon says, "it's tough getting 17 babysitters on Oscar night." They are keeping that orchestra swell on high tonight, aren't they?
9:40: Moving right along, the best supporting actress is Tilda Swinton, who looks like she's wearing a garbage bag, or maybe a child's witch costume. We could make a crack about whether she should have won actress or actor, but that's tired. Besides, we think Tilda's movies are hot, and that's enough, right? Besides, she dispelled the k.d. lang lookalike stuff when she cheered George Clooney for rocking that old Batman suit so well.
9:33: Jerry Seinfeld is still doing the Bee Movie thing? It's a good thing they had a fairly funny vignette segment about bees in movies to back that up. We still didn't get to see any of those short animated films, though. Peter and the Wolf looks exactly like the kind of thing our friends' 4-year-old daughter should watch.
9:26: The musical stuff is fine and all, but we can't share much about that, so we'll now take a second to say:
9:17: Oooo goodie! The first big award of the evening, best supporting actor, goes to Javier Bardem, who is looking much more dapper than he did with that pageboy haircut. And that part where he made his mama cry after saying something in Spanish? Gold.
9:13: We're going to take a second to point out that despite the fact Katherine Heigl seems like a real prima donna (our cube-mate Dalia says she wants to punch Heigl in the throat) she shore is purdy tonight. Well, maybe just her Grey's Anatomy character, Izzie Stevens, is who's annoying.
9:10: Wow, it's good to see Ally McBeal showed up with her dad.
9:07: Okay, Stewart's remark that during commercial breaks "mostly we just sit around making catty remarks about the outfits you wear at home" makes the list. And if Transformers doesn't win visual effects, there is no god ... but since The Golden Compass wins, you're only proving that story's point. How else can talking polar bears beat giant robots?
8:54: Steve Carell just said s---, if you're playing FCC police. Or did he? Let's say he did, because it makes it all the more exciting.
8:43: Costume design is a tough category to watch. And go figure, the woman in charge of Elizabeth: The Golden Age won. That's what happens anytime you put a woman in a suit of armor. And the speech took about half a second! Our hopes are soaring.
8:39: Stewart Wow, a stripper joke, an Iraq War joke and an election joke in the space of three minutes? This might be a good night.
8:35: Jon Stewart helped live up to The Juice*'s predictions of numerous teen pregnancy references by saying he was glad the Academy finally shied away from the murderously bloody (and murderously depressing) best picture noms by giving a nod to Juno: "All I can say is, thank god for teen pregnancy."
8:25: The show hasn't started yet, but we have to say Regis Philbin is annoying us to death. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??