Fiona Apple, sheriff's department tangle over drug arrest
Things are going from strange to stranger for Fiona Apple, who took to the stage in Houston following her arrest for hash and marijuana possession in Hudspeth County last week to accuse ... somebody of something. No, really, it's so whacked out, we can't make any sense of it.
"Most of the people were very nice to me. There are four of you out there ... and I want you to know that I heard everything you did," she said onstage Friday. What follows is a lengthy description that rambles on and on and makes little sense:
"I wrote it all down with your names and everything you did and said, stupidly thinking that I couldn't hear or see you. I then ripped the paper up, but not before I encoded it and -- I got two lock boxes. We'll call them 'holding cell one' and 'holding cell two.' In 'holding cell one' is the encoded version of the s--- that you did that I know was inappropriate and probably illegal. In 'holding cell two' is the decoder. I'm the only one who holds the key, and you and I will be intimate forever because I will hold that secret forever. Unless of course the celebrity that you had so much interest in but you wanted to accuse me of bringing up while you laughed at me all night? Unless you're interested in being a celebrity, I'll make you f---ing famous any time you ask and I'll open those boxes. So why don't you stay in your f---ing holding cell."
Uh, what? Watch it below if you don't believe our transcript.
Hudspeth County Sheriff's Department public information officer Rusty Fleming responded, sending a condescending letter to Apple (via TMZ) telling her to "shut up and sing."
"Two weeks ago nobody in the country cared about what you had to say -- now that you’ve been arrested it appears your entire career has been jump-started. Don’t worry Sweetie, I won’t bill you," Fleming wrote. "Next, have you ever heard of Snoop, Willie or Armand Hammer? Maybe if you would read something besides your own press releases, you would have known BEFORE you got here, that if you come to Texas with dope, the cops will take your DOPE away and put YOU in jail."
Those three, of course, were busted at the same border stop in Sierra Blanca over the past few months. Fiona really should try and listen, especially when the cops say she admitted the drugs were hers. She'll probably see the guy in court, so let's hope they can hash this all out. HAH! See what we did there?