12 Blogs of Christmas: How to survive the holidays like you're in a Hallmark movie
The 12 Blogs of Christmas, featuring stocking stuffer-sized holiday stories about pop culture and beyond, will run each weekday leading up to Christmas Eve. You can find all of them on The Feed blog.
Hallmark Heroine knows Christmas is over before it even starts.
Hallmark Heroine has already purchased Santa swag at 30 to 50 percent off, because it was on the shelves since May. She has been to at least three holiday parties, and feels like a pumpkin roll filled with wine. Proverbially, she is Baroness Elsa Schraeder, severe and a bit misunderstood. But Hallmark Heroine endures a few more days, ever believing she will finally decode the true meaning of Christmas. And if she can, so can you.
Her guidebook is the marathon of deliciously watchable, utterly unchallenging and problematically whitewashed movies playing on the Hallmark Channel every day through Dec. 30. Her tips:
LOOSEN YOUR HAIR
You can’t believe it! Your family wants you to abandon your busy career to help out at the Christmas tree farm, like Sarah Lancaster in Fir Crazy (4 a.m. Friday). Get ready to have your heart, and your hair, softened. Over the next few days, take your tresses from shellacked and angry to wavy and likeable. Start with a low bun and something that signifies arrogance, like small pearl earrings. By Friday, you’re half-up, half-down, playfully pushing your bangs out of your face. By the big day, you’re in full barrel curls and a floppy hat, at which time you discover the true meaning of Christmas.
EMBRACE YOUR WORDS
You’ve really done it now! You said the exact wrong thing again, and on camera to boot, just like popular morning show host Lori Loughlin in Every Christmas Has a Story (4 p.m. Thursday, 8 p.m. Saturday). But Hallmark Heroine embraces her zany abuse of the English language and complete lack of social cues, and things usually end up pretty cute. Own your words. Tell your boss that you actually weren’t kidding when you said eggplant wasn’t her color, and in doing so, discover the true meaning of Christmas.
STUMBLE INTO AN EX
Start practicing some witty retorts. This week, while you are living your regular life as an advertising executive with a fashion magazine like Jessica Lowndes in Merry Matrimony (10 p.m. Tuesday, 2 p.m. Friday), you will run into your ex. He is sometimes called “the one who got away,” like a prisoner who wriggled free from the ropes. So funny! Know that there will still be sparks, which your therapist says are displaced feelings of extreme loneliness at the holidays. But accept his affections anyway, and discover the true meaning of Christmas.
DEFINITELY GO TO EVENTS
Sure, you just went through a painful divorce, like Erin Cahill in Sleigh Bells Ring (10 p.m. Wednesday, 8 p.m. Friday, 4 p.m. Saturday, 8 a.m. Sunday). But agree anyway to fix up an old sleigh to ride in the town Christmas parade. Because getting back out there immediately and in a public way is what you need to heal. Instead of quiet reflection, head to Bath & Body Works three more times, check out your town’s motorcycle toy drive and then hit the bars to meet up with former enemies from high school, where you will run into “the one who got away” (TOWGA). He will have the true meaning of Christmas in his pocket.
MOVE BACK TO YOUR HOMETOWN
Christmas is in a few days, and you’re a single mother. But it’s not too late to move back to where you grew up, like Lacey Chabert in A Christmas Melody (noon, Saturday). When you get there, you’ll be upset to learn the director of the PTA is your former teen rival, Mariah Carey, (really). You’re going to need someone to pull you two apart (TOWGA?). A battle of wits with a legendary diva will give you the juice you need to power through these last few days of the season. The true meaning of Christmas is somewhere in the bottom of this gin.
BEFRIEND A CHILD
You, of all people? Working with children? But “governess to a young princess” is the only job available right now, so you take it, like Danica McKellar in Crown for Christmas (6 a.m. Thursday, 9:30 p.m. Sunday). If daughter of Maximillian, King of Winshire is not currently open, your niece or nephew will do. Show Cayden how to punch his haters for the first time (get your thumb out of your fist, Cayden). And just like that, you are Maria von Trapp, warm with children and universally beloved. Just in time to stumble into TOWGA with bouncy curls, and discover the true meaning of Christmas.