'American Horror Story: Hotel,' episode 9: Fools and flatterers
American Horror Story: Hotel has two big story lines going on at one time with a few smaller ones tying them both together. Last week we learned John Lowe is the 10 Commandments Killer and the Hotel Cortez has made him insane. This week, we see Countess's true motives and her plans to enact revenge on those who've scorned her. Oh, and the escaped group of vampiric school children is still on the loose. But don't worry, they're doing just fine.
Duh, we ate all our parents
The creepy crew of vampire children have been busy.
Cult leader, Max, established his hideout at his own home after killing both his parents. More of his classmates contract the measles (you'd think there would be some sort of VACCINE for this) and he saves them by giving them the blood virus.
When Alex Lowe sees a news report on TV about a homeless man who was exsanguinated followed by an alert issued for children who may be witnesses, she knows it's Max.
She waits outside his house watching a pizza delivery guy go inside. Inside, she finds the house trashed and numerous bodies piled in heaps in the dining room. In the next room are the kids feeding on the poor pizza guy.
Alex scolds them all for being reckless and stupid. Max and his sidekick bring out a few new recruits, encouraging them to drink from the pizza guy to heal their sickness. None of them are even listening to Alex because "she's an adult and we don't wanna listen to adults anymore."
Alex tries to get them all to come back to the Cortez to be around people who can help them stay safe. Max and his friends are basically "nah, bro I'm 13 years old so I can totally take care of myself."
The killer children are on the loose again, and Alex proves her uselessness.
The illusion of control
With March's revelation about what he did to Valentino and Natasha, Countess's eyes are open to the reality of her position.
She's more than a century old and has surrounded herself with "fools and flatterers" for much of her immortal life, trying to fill the hole left by her true loves.
Her elaborate plans for revenge against every who's wronged her -- March, Ramona, Will Drake -- is set.
The first step is becoming Mrs. Drake. The next is rebuilding March's death chamber to house "Will Drake's treasures." Taking Donovan back -- and brainwashing him -- is the final stitch in her plan.
Now that she's been reunited with Valentino and Natasha, all she needs is Will Drake's money and all of her enemies eradicated. She's getting married Wednesday, but plans to be a widow by Thursday; a very rich widow.
She convinces Will Drake to keep the wedding intimate and to design her gown (it's seriously stunning). With only a few in attendance, Liz Taylor is the one to object to their marriage out of spite for losing Tristan.
"Uhhhh yea. She's a b****," Liz Taylor says.
"Ignore her, " Countess says. "She's drunk."
Back to the ceremony. Countess and Will Drake wed, but they don't quite live happily every after.
While Countess is changing into her traveling clothes for the honeymoon, March and Will Drake toast to the new marriage and their blended family. But he isn't just talking about Will Drake's son, Lachlan.
March introduces Will Drake to Countess's son, Bartholomew. Will Drake is utterly disgusted and thinks it's all a joke.
March may have ruined Countess's plan to kill Will Drake in Paris, but she improvises by trapping him in her newly renovated chamber with her other enemy, Ramona.
Frozen in amber
Donovan was supposed to be Ramona's right hand in taking down the Countess. But the moment Countess gives him any sort of affection, Donovan caves and plots against Ramona even after hearing how much Countess hurt her.
Ramona wakes up in a cage and tells Donovan he's lost his mind if he thinks Countess truly loves him again.
"You're more dumb than you are pretty," she says. "And you are very pretty."
When Will Drake wakes up next to Ramona's cage, she convinces him to free her. He quickly finds out they're both trapped behind the soundproof walls and they'll both die from starvation down there.
"I won't," Ramona says as she slashes his throat and feeds from him. Miss Evers, who warned Will Drake not to marry Countess, watches him die with a smile on her face.
Countess, who's watching this scene play out on her surveillance screens, just became a rich widow much earlier than she anticipated.
Will Drake is dead, but I'm sure Countess is going to hit some snags when it comes to getting her hands on his money. We heard him mentioned a pre-nup earlier in the episode.
If she does get his money, she tells Valentino she plans to turn the Cortez into a fortress against the modern world. The two of them are children of the 1920s and abhor the modern world. Natasha, however, loves the shopping and pop culture.
A simple solution: kill Natasha. Countess only loved Natasha because Valentino loved her. It always has been, and always will be, about Valentino.
Contact Chelsea Tatham at email@example.com. Follow @chelseatatham.