Chris Rock schools Tampa Bay with No Apologies
Here are some of the things which occurred to me last night, while sitting through Chris Rock's amazing, near-two-hour 'No Apologies' standup tour at the Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center. (If you like what you see here, bear in mind that last night's show wasn't completely sold out, with 2,235 seats sold of 2,600, so there may still be tickets left for tonight's stand).
Most of the thoughts are mine, in bold. All of the quotes are his. And yes, there's lots of bad language.
"They took Britney Spears kids...man, they take white kids quick. At the first sign of danger. Because Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown kept their kids...Even O.J. Simpson kept his kids, and he killed their mom."
"O.J. got some balls on him. i saw him in an interview and he said 'It's hard being a single dad.' Well, you single 'cause you killed their mom. He said it like they just broke up."
-- It remains surprising to see a comic who is so unapologetically black draw a crowd which seemed at least halfway packed with white people. I think it just shows that., underneath the technical details of white and black culture, we all do the same crazy ass shit. Or maybe it shows how many white people saw Bee Movie.
"George Bush has fucked up so bad, he made it hard for a white man to run to be president."
-- Here's the definition of fearless: a comic married to a proud black woman doing jokes about how a black woman can never be first lady, Tiger Woods has only succeeded because he has a white partner and the real reason why black women don't like black men dating white women (because they can't do the same thing; they're not attracted to white men).
"I don't think a black woman can be first lady -- yeah I said it. Because a black woman can't take the back seat in any relationship...Obama needs a white woman; look what it did for Tiger Woods."
-- When will people realize that you can't have a running conversation at a public entertainment event like a standup comedy concert without pissing off everybody around you? I was this close to making headlines for throttling a guy who insisted on talking to his date like he was sitting in his living room watching SportsCenter, instead of watching a live person talking in a way others needed to hear.
"John McCain's a war hero who got captured. I want to vote for the guy who got away."
On Hillary Clinton's seemingly endless campaign: "Nice girls leave the club before the lights come on." And "If you can't beat a nigger named Obama in Iowa, you don't deserve to be president."
"If Hillary got elected, she was going to go to work in an office where her husband got blow jobs? There ain't enough redecorating in the world that can change that. And you know Bill Clinton wasn't coming in there. You don't let a crackhead go back to the place where they last got high."
-- If you like George Bush, why would you come to a Chris Rock show and be angrily surprised when he starts tearing the mastermind behind the disastrous Hurricane Katrina response a new one? Isn't that like going to Billy Graham concert and being surprised when he starts talking about God?
On why Obama won the white vote in places where there are so few black people: "Wherever black people are pets, (white people) voted for him. Where black people are THREATS, they don't."
-- What does it say about me that I could hear Rock drop the word nigger about 200 times and not blink an eye -- indeed laugh my ass off -- but when he started slinging the three-letter f-word (think a slur about gay people) and its derivatives, that's when I got uncomfortable?
"We need to learn who we can complain to. People have careers can't complain around people who have jobs. That's like walking up to an African and saying, 'Man, I'm hungry, I haven't eaten in two hours.'
On how you tell the difference between a career and a job: "When you have a career, there's never enough time. When have job, there's always TOO MUCH time."
-- Why is a guy this funny, who can hold his own hosting the Oscars and keep you rolling for two straight hours, unable to pull off a consistently funny movie that isn't a cartoon?
"Love is a combination of two things: Like, plus need. Ladies, you want to lock a man up? You need to convince him he needs you to do shit he can probably do himself."